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No happy mothers day :(

I don’t like mothers day! I love my mama and all who are mothers, don’t get me wrong. Personally for me it sucks! It makes me think to much which makes me sad. Just over 2 years ago I had a full hysterectomy. When I was 18 my surgeon told me I couldn’t have children. I had sevier endometryosis. I never wanted children, though when the choice was taken away from me it devastated me! I am much better with it than I was 15 or so years ago, but definitely not completely at peace with it. Obviously, I suppose. I think that mothers day is a great opportunity to share with our moms how much they mean to us. To recognize all that they do for us. It does hurt me to know that I won’t ever have a mothers day. Love and respect you mom and thank her for choosing to give you life! God bless all of the mama’s out there!

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Prayer request!

Hey everyone sorry I’ve been absent the past couple weeks! Life has been a little sticky and stinky lately. Please pray for my mama! She goes in for surgery this morning and with her health issues she is at a bit of a risk. Thank you and God bless you!! I will have my fellowship Friday actually done this week! :) God bless and thank you again!

Lord I pray that you lay your healing hand upon mama. Guide and work through the hands of those who will be operating on her today. Please give us and her great strength and healing. I pray this on Jesus name.
Amen, Amen

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Fellowship Friday!

Hello all! I pray you had a wonderful week! Mine was pretty okay, a few lows but more highs than lows! I would like to apologize for my very brief and impersonal post last Friday. Some days I handle Jeffery’s loss better than others, and that day I chose not to deal with it very well. My apologies. I am a work in progress,  but the Lord is seeing me through everyday! Now onto this week’s fellowship! As many of you know the homeless and homeless awareness are two of my passions, and my heart swells with joy anytime someone helps ones of our fallen brothers or sisters. More so though when it is a child helping them. As cliche as it sound, children really are the future! One of these little one just might end homelessness one day! That is my prayer! A mother took her son to a local waffle house for dinner and he noticed a man with a rough appearance, never having seen a homeless person before he didn’t understand why he looked the way he did. As all little ones do when something is unfamiliar to them, he started asking him mom questions. His mother explained that being homeless meant the man didn’t have a home. The boy insisted that his mother should buy the gentleman dinner. When they brought the food to him the little boy insisted once more. This time that they pray before they ate. This little boy had a restaurant full with 11 people in tears as he rang his prayers up to the heavens! I love the purity of a child heart! They are uninhibited, they don’t care if people look at them or think they are strange. They are not self conscious, they just do what they feel is right! I love it! Okay everyone I pray you all have a safe, fun and God filled weekend! God bless you all!
You can find the whole story and many more here!

 
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Posted by on May 22, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Dear Jeffery: May.18

What have you done to me???? I don’t even know who or what I am! When I look in the mirror there is something missing. We have most of your stuff now. It is a constant in my face reminder that you are gone! Reduced to stuff!! This is ridiculous! I don’t understand you! Now I will never be given the chance to! I am sensoring myself so much right now. I am sitting here bawling because of you and I just want to scream and cuss and swear! I hate this! This disgusting emptiness I feel. Who am I without you???? WHO? Please tell me because I don’t know!! I just don’t! I am so far beyond over this! What have you done???? I can’t, I just can’t Jeffery!! I am broken! I keep praying for this to go away and yet here I am once again!! I gotta go.
Love alway
Bilbo
PS. Yes I am mad but I will alway, ALWAYS love you! I always have!!! Even when you felt unlovable.

 
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Posted by on May 18, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Fellowship friday

Hello all! I pray you had a wonderful God filled week! I am in quite a nasty mood today. It is just one of those days Jeffery days. I apologize I am going to make this brief, as my brain doesn’t have many nice things to think :(. God bless all of you and have a safe God filled May long weekend!

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Fellowship Friday!

Hello and happy Friday! Also happy mothers day to all you mom’s out there! This weeks fellowship Friday is a quick video! God bless have a happy, safe, fun and God filled weekend and mothers day!

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Dear Jeffery: May.1

Hi Jeffery. I pray you are having a blast up there with God and all the angels! We have decided to dedicate thunder to you! So every time we hear hear it we think of you! Not that we need a reminder I suppose, but you know what I mean :). I have had a good week this week. I kinda feel bad for not feeling sad and down all the time. Especially in the quiet alone times. Is that weird? I know it sounds stupid but I feel guilty for being happy in a way. Like of course I am sad that you not here, and when I think about you being gone. This week though when you come up in conversation it is usually a happy memory or happy thoughts about you. When I am alone I am learning to seek comfort in knowing you are finally healed. Free of all the pain and demons of your mental illness. I haven’t come to accept you with your mental illness, but you and your mental illness separately. It’s really hard to explain. I am having a hard time seeing any kind of weakness in you. Not that having mental illness makes you weak in any way. You are still mighty! The weakness comes from your end. You fought so hard the last 7 months. Harder than most would given all that had happened in such a short time. I know it probably sounds silly, but when I listen to my favorite song of yours. It’s as though you are apologizing to me for taking yourself away from me. I know that’s not the case. I know it’s an apology to Christ. Given the circumstances it get comfort from it. I am worried if I stop crying for you or being sad about you that is when I could forget about you. My mind knows that’s not possible but my heart is afraid. All of these new feeling scare the crap out of me Jeffery! Again this is when I would normally turn to you, but I can’t do that now, now can I? I am still writing like you wanted. It’s not very good but I am still doing it. I am not doing it for me because my heart is not it right now. If I had it my way I would just quit for a while, just long enough for my heart to heal a bit more. You know? I won’t though, for two reasons. One, it is my passion and two I want to write for you! I don’t want to quit my passion because I am sad. The content sucks sure, but I am working through my pain with it. Until next time my dear brother. I love you and miss you always!
Love always
Bilbo

 
 

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