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Dear Jeffery: May.18

What have you done to me???? I don’t even know who or what I am! When I look in the mirror there is something missing. We have most of your stuff now. It is a constant in my face reminder that you are gone! Reduced to stuff!! This is ridiculous! I don’t understand you! Now I will never be given the chance to! I am sensoring myself so much right now. I am sitting here bawling because of you and I just want to scream and cuss and swear! I hate this! This disgusting emptiness I feel. Who am I without you???? WHO? Please tell me because I don’t know!! I just don’t! I am so far beyond over this! What have you done???? I can’t, I just can’t Jeffery!! I am broken! I keep praying for this to go away and yet here I am once again!! I gotta go.
Love alway
Bilbo
PS. Yes I am mad but I will alway, ALWAYS love you! I always have!!! Even when you felt unlovable.

 
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Posted by on May 18, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Fellowship friday

Hello all! I pray you had a wonderful God filled week! I am in quite a nasty mood today. It is just one of those days Jeffery days. I apologize I am going to make this brief, as my brain doesn’t have many nice things to think :(. God bless all of you and have a safe God filled May long weekend!

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Fellowship Friday!

Hello and happy Friday! Also happy mothers day to all you mom’s out there! This weeks fellowship Friday is a quick video! God bless have a happy, safe, fun and God filled weekend and mothers day!

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Dear Jeffery: May.1

Hi Jeffery. I pray you are having a blast up there with God and all the angels! We have decided to dedicate thunder to you! So every time we hear hear it we think of you! Not that we need a reminder I suppose, but you know what I mean :). I have had a good week this week. I kinda feel bad for not feeling sad and down all the time. Especially in the quiet alone times. Is that weird? I know it sounds stupid but I feel guilty for being happy in a way. Like of course I am sad that you not here, and when I think about you being gone. This week though when you come up in conversation it is usually a happy memory or happy thoughts about you. When I am alone I am learning to seek comfort in knowing you are finally healed. Free of all the pain and demons of your mental illness. I haven’t come to accept you with your mental illness, but you and your mental illness separately. It’s really hard to explain. I am having a hard time seeing any kind of weakness in you. Not that having mental illness makes you weak in any way. You are still mighty! The weakness comes from your end. You fought so hard the last 7 months. Harder than most would given all that had happened in such a short time. I know it probably sounds silly, but when I listen to my favorite song of yours. It’s as though you are apologizing to me for taking yourself away from me. I know that’s not the case. I know it’s an apology to Christ. Given the circumstances it get comfort from it. I am worried if I stop crying for you or being sad about you that is when I could forget about you. My mind knows that’s not possible but my heart is afraid. All of these new feeling scare the crap out of me Jeffery! Again this is when I would normally turn to you, but I can’t do that now, now can I? I am still writing like you wanted. It’s not very good but I am still doing it. I am not doing it for me because my heart is not it right now. If I had it my way I would just quit for a while, just long enough for my heart to heal a bit more. You know? I won’t though, for two reasons. One, it is my passion and two I want to write for you! I don’t want to quit my passion because I am sad. The content sucks sure, but I am working through my pain with it. Until next time my dear brother. I love you and miss you always!
Love always
Bilbo

 
 

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Fellowship Friday!

Hello and happy friday once again! This week was actually pretty ok. Nothing major happened. Emotionally thought a big change has taken place, I feel like I am getting more stable. Of course still having sad moments, which are to be expected, but for the most part I (well we) have been happy! When we talk about Jeffery it is in a mostly happy context. So yes, this has been a much better week! I pray everyone of you had a great week! For those of you who did the A to Z challenge congratulations on completing it! I enjoyed reading all of your guys’ posts! Next year I think I will join in again! This year there was far to much going on, because of losing Jeffery and all that not fun stuff! On to the fellowship friday!!

Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.” Matthew 12:43-44

We are all familour with this story. I love this one so much! This week I found a story about a church in Charlotte, North Carolina. On one side of the church in like the banking district and on the other side is a homeless shelter. Every Sunday the church offers a free breakfast for about 150 homeless people before the service. One Sunday after the service, when the tiths were being counted, someone noticed one of the evolopes had writing on it. It read “please don’t be mad I don’t have much I am homeless”. Inside was $0.18. This person who had nothing gave all that they had! I personally believe it was because they were so greatful. What a God filled heart and soul this person has! I wish I had that kind of a heart! I don’t like talking about giving money away to homeless people or whatever but I can say that giving away the last of what you have is a very gratifying feeling. Though I do wish it was in my heart to do this all the time. Have you ever done this? How did it make you feel if you have? I pray you all have a safe, fun and God filled weekend! God bless! I was going to include a picture of the evolopes but the wordpress app won’t let me it just locks my tablet up really bad :( anyone else having this problem?
You can find this story and many more here! You know you wanna click it! :)

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Dear Jeffery: April.26

Hi Jeffery! I did it!! I went to the show! It was so much fun! I was all worried and worked up for nothing! Nobody made me feel like an outcast at all! Most of the bands gave you shout outs!! You made such an impact on so many peoples lives! I am so proud of you! It felt like you were with us tonight! I can’t wait for the next show! Today marks 2 months since you left us. I think we will be okay. We will always have a part of us missing, but I think we will be okay. We will have good days and bad days. I pray that the bad days eventually get less than the good days. Right now it seems there are more bad than good. Tonight though was definitely good! I feel so happy! I love you Jeffery!
Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Woot!! \m/

What an amazing night!!! Tonight was the concert. I thought it was the benefit concert for Jeffery but that one is later. Tonight one of the bands Jeffery was the front man for played with his best friend doing to vocals. It was AMAZING! It was a hardcore show, the kind of music that sounds like they are just screaming :). I was soooo nervous about going. Both my brothers are into that music scene, covered in tattoos, stretched ears the whole nine. Me…..I am the polar opposite! I have 4 tattoos, most of the time only 2 show, my ears aren’t stretched crazy big. Pretty much I am “preppy” compared to them. I enjoy the music but definitely don’t fit the stereotype of a hardcore kid lol. Who needs stereotypes?! One wouldn’t think being “average” or “normal” would make someone be the black sheep, but it does! Lol. There were 6 bands that played and 4 of them gave shout outs to Jeffery! I was worried that being around his friends and that would make me sad or miss him more, but I am happy! Yes you read right! I am happy! It was as though he was there with us! I can’t get over the impact he made in this world! We are hearing about bands all over north america giving him shout outs and dedicating sets to him! So for tonight I will hold onto this feeling! God bless and enjoy your Sunday! Good night!

 
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Posted by on April 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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