8 months ago you left us. Leaving us broken and lost. Today we are still trying to put the pieces back where they belong. Though without you the pieces don’t seem to want to fit. It is as though we are missing a piece. That piece is you. Without you we will never be whole again. Forever incomplete until we meet again. The pain is ever present, it has a vice grip like hold on me. Binding me with chains of grief, sorrow and pain. I pray for it to end. For the waking and sleeping nightmares to end. For this heavy yolk to be lifted off of me. My dearest big brother, I will always love you and will forever hold you close. You will be forever in our hearts and minds. Love you and miss you terribly Jeffery. You are gone but surely not forgotten.


Posted by on October 26, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Psalm 13 in my eyes

How long will this go on Abba? Does this pain have no end? Will I be forced to go on like this forever? How much longer will You keep Your back to me? Why must you hide Yourself from me? Your face? Your love? How much longer do I have to figure this out on my own? For how long will I have to seek advice from within? I don’t know the answers! All the while my heart is broken. I feel the hole of pain and brokenness. I carry it with me all through the day. The pain follows me everywhere I go. A heave yolk has been placed upon me. My advisories stand above me. Looking upon my vulnerability. How long will You allow them to have this power over me? The upper hand? Make Your judgment and answer me God! I must I sit in wait? Hear me oh Lord! Let me understand all of this. Grant me clarity in all of this! My thoughts and heart are wasting away into nothingness. This death has overcome me. Let me not die this death every dawn. While my for stand above me. Looking down upon my weakness. Watching me shake in fear of this never ending pain. I trust my my Lord my God. I know of Your lovingkindness. My heart races at the thought of Your salvation. I rejoices in this will end, because of Your never ending grace and love. You will save me! I will praise You all the days I am upon this land. You oh Lord my God have blesses me so. The gifts of Your love makes me sing a joyous song.

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Posted by on August 14, 2015 in Uncategorized


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You make me doubt my place with the Lord
You make me doubt He could love me
You stop me with doubt from doing that in which I am called

You give me such fear of my salvation
You make me fear the Lords wrath
You cause me fear and stop me in my tracks

You cause me to be ashamed of who I am
You cause me to feel shame in my actions
You cause me to be ashamed to call myself a Christian


You can’t take the love of my Lord
You can’t change the way He loves me
You can’t change that He loves me the way He made me

He gives me strength in all I do
He carries me through all
He gives me the ability to be who I am

He grants me courage to stand without you
He gives me courage to face my fears
He gives me courage to be who I am

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Posted by on July 19, 2015 in Poetry


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I am sorry

I have been absent for some time now and just this past few days have I had any desire to put the pen to paper. Since losing Jeff I have lost my will and desire to write. It was a passion both he and I shared. He was my biggest cheerleader! Now, though I still have love and support around me I just can’t. When I do as you have seen it is quite depressing. I am trying, not hard enough I am sure. It’s as though I’ve put cotton balls of anger in my ears and I just cannot hear the Lord. I know this is my own doing but am unable or unwilling to take them out right now. I don’t know what I need or what I want even. I just known, as it was put to me recently, this anger is a black hole. It keeps sucking me in deeper and deeper into a very dark lonely place. I don’t even know what I am angry about honestly, or who I am angry with even. I am just mad. Mad at everything and nothing! I am not mad at God though, this I am pretty sure of. He doesn’t control the will of man, so I cannot blame Him for the choices that were made. I pray that he softens my heart and removes this anger from me. I know He won’t interfere with my free will, but I pray that through softening my heart I am able to let it go! I don’t know, I apologize. I figured I owed an apology for my recent absence. Please just pray for me and my broken heart. Hearts aren’t like bones. You can’t just put a cast on it and six weeks your mended. Sorry again. God bless and thank you for reading my senseless ramblings!


Posted by on July 9, 2015 in Uncategorized


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In your eyes

I see him, in your strong eyes
I seen you, in his captivating eyes

Their colours change as moods fade
The seasons change as the sun fades

A fathers eyes knows no lies
They seen right through his great disguise

When a life fades
It makes people change

To ash and dust
You’ve don’t what you must

Like Job you cussed and fussed
Like Job never did you lose your trust

Adapt and grow
You just never know

A day of cheers turned into to tears
With the realization a fathers worst fears

You stood up tall
You showed us all

There is hope in our tears
Even peace behind our fears

I see him, in your strong eyes
I seen you, in his captivating eyes

Never alone
Fear not he’s still got his stone
Thank you! You’ve truly set the tone

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Posted by on July 9, 2015 in Poetry


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They can’t do this on their own.
So what if you feel alone?
You’d better hurry up and answer your phone!
Smarten up, watch your tone!
Stand up and be a good little drone!
Don’t you dare let them hear you moan!
Smarten up, watch your tone!
So what if you feel alone?
They can’t do this on their own.
You’d better hurry up and answer your phone!
Smarten up and watch your tone!
Don’t let your precious cover get blown!
Forget that the pain has hit you like a cyclone!
Don’t get knocked off your controlled throne!
Stay safe in your controlled zone!
Hold on tight to your stone!
They can’t do this on their own.
Smarten up, watch your tone!
You’d better hurry up and answer your phone!
Stand up and be their safety zone.
Forget that your mind is a combat zone!
Keep your feelings unknown.
They can’t do this on their own.
Smarten up, watch your tone!
Do not put all your hope in a single wishbone!!
Wake up and see your not alone.
You can’t do this on your own.
Go ahead and let them hear your moan.
Stop worrying about your tone!
Go ahead and answer your phone.

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Posted by on July 6, 2015 in Poetry


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No happy mothers day :(

I don’t like mothers day! I love my mama and all who are mothers, don’t get me wrong. Personally for me it sucks! It makes me think to much which makes me sad. Just over 2 years ago I had a full hysterectomy. When I was 18 my surgeon told me I couldn’t have children. I had sevier endometryosis. I never wanted children, though when the choice was taken away from me it devastated me! I am much better with it than I was 15 or so years ago, but definitely not completely at peace with it. Obviously, I suppose. I think that mothers day is a great opportunity to share with our moms how much they mean to us. To recognize all that they do for us. It does hurt me to know that I won’t ever have a mothers day. Love and respect you mom and thank her for choosing to give you life! God bless all of the mama’s out there!

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Posted by on June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized


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