Then and Now

Day dreams
To lost dreams
Animated screams
To muffled screams
Climbing trees
To building family trees
Dodging bee’s
To fighting B’s
Worst of rivalries
To best of buddies
Childhood fears
To adult fears
Adolescent chocolate milk root beers
To adult whiskey’s and beers
Childhood woes
To adult foes

ABC
To a life lost as sea
Wondering who you’d be
To I just have to let it be
Give those to me’s
To what are those fee’s
Scrapped knees
To a sinner on his knees
A simple bloody nose
To troubles no one knows
Cutting so deep
To what did you reap?

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Reflections

Sitting back and reflecting can take your mood and mind in many directions. It can bring you to a place of great joy or great sorrow. Some memories can even bring you both places almost simultaneously. I have been spending lots of time reflecting recently. The most recent and heaviest of the reflections has yet to change. I fear it is and always be Jeffery. It always one way or another comes back to him. On one side I have great happiness and pride when I think about him, our childhood, our friendship, our bond. For so many years my boys were my main focus. As gotbachoff grew he needed me less, wanted me less. He was his own man. Jeff never seemed to have lost his need or desire for me to be around. Our relationship grew and developed into a very special and precious friendship. Though I was still the boss and did my best to keep him in line, or he let me I should say, we both needed that. We knew that no matter what we still had eachother. Reflecting on our friendship makes me smile and fills me with joy, unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. It also causes me great sadness. Just typing this my eyes begin to fill with tears. The great sorrow of his death hits me as strongly as the great joys of his life. Knowing that not again until the time designated by the Lord will we be together is almost heartbreaking. I trust in my God and know we will be together again, but seeing everyday and everything void of Jeffery at times feels bleak and empty. Countless times I day I go to send a text, make a call or think of visiting. I sit in wonder of what he’d think of how I am now, if what I am doing would give him pride, if  our bond would still be as strong. All things left in the silent moments in my mind. It has been just days over a year since he chose to leave us. A year! Today I am stronger and braver than I was. I am not that broken trembling girl sitting and listening to everyone’s hurts, organizing, dealing, fixing. Today while at times I may feel broken, I know that I am not. I can do this, I have been doing this and I will continue to do this! God bless and happy reflecting.

 

Update

My surgeon is very concerned by what is going in so she put me on an emergency list to see if I can get into surgery sooner rather than later. They have changed the date twice. I received a call today telling me my newest date is February.11! That is only increasing my stress and anxiety. I thought I had much more time to prepare my mind but I suppose not oh well I have to trust that this is all apart of Gods plans for me. That He is and will be with me, lifting my fear and anxiety off of me. Tomorrow I seen another specialist for something related. Please pray that the Lord works through them and that we may get past off these obstacles. God bless and have an amazing night!

 

Fellowship Friday?

Sorry I am retraining myself with the fellowship Friday’s! Better late than never I suppose! 

“Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers if Mine, even the least of them you did to Me” Matthew 25:40

This scripture stands out to me today. I am sure many of you have heard of what is going on in Flint, Michigan. They basically have no water. It has been declared a state of emergency. Like so many other celebrities Cher is joining the fight to get them clean safe water. She has sent 181 440 bottles of water. Flint should receive them on Wednesday. It is so sad to see that in a wealthy country like the U.S. People are without the most simple and necessary of staples. I think it is wonderful however that people are stepping up and helping in ways that they can. God sees all of our acts and blesses each and everyone of them. I ask that you join in prayer that God sends all the people of flint what they need. As a society we can make great change and progress. As always I encourage each and everyone of you to go out this week and do something, even something small, for the least or those without in our society. God bless all of you have a safe fun and God filled week! 

You can find the article and many others here.

 

Here we go again!

So begins the adventure with my stomach once again. For those who don’t know. I have severe endometriosis, have had it since I was 13. I have had three surgery’s to try to clean out as much as they can and finally three years ago I had a partial hysterectomy. Leaving behind just my ovaries. Within a week of the hysterectomy I had complications and have been having them since. After many emergency room visits and 28 months on a waiting list I finally seen my surgeon again yesterday. It appears that there is a new complication, one we hadn’t expected. So on March.10 this year I will go under the knife once again, this time to have my left ovary removed. I am praying that this will be the last time. Though if all these years have taught me anything it is to not expect this to be the last. I am putting my faith in God, that He will give me relief from this pain. Even if it’s only for a while. Something is better than nothing. It is so easy to get frustrated and upset when things seem to continually go wrong. To get angry even at times. But I need to remember that while the bad does outshine the good quite often there is still good. Good things can and do happen. Regardless of how minor they seem. That is my plan. To stay focused on the good, on the positive things that are happening and can come from all of this. I don’t know His plan. What I do know is if I waste my time being miserable and feeling sorry for myself I may miss a great opportunity. Whether it be for me or to help someone who is suffering as I have and am. Over the years I have learned that sometimes God puts people in your life when you least expect it, in unlikely places and for reasons you wouldn’t expect. So fight on I will and see where this ride takes me once again. I don’t ask for pity or sympathy, just encouragement and prayers. Also on a side note I am trying to get back into the swing of writing regularly again, but we shall see what adventure each day brings. Until next time God bless you and have an amazing God filled evening!

 

Fellowship Friday Jan.16 2016

Welcome to the 2016 edition of fellowship Friday! It is late in the day that I am posting this but better late than never. Sometimes timing is everything. It can make all the difference in the world. It can even save a life! This was the case for an American college student. When she first seen Chris it was obvious he was homeless. He was walking around picking up change off the side of the road. Eventually he made his way over to a Dunkin Doughnuts. She watched him count his change to see how much he had presumably to get something to eat. With compassion in her heart she began talking to him. At first she irritated to him, it was clear he didn’t want to talk. Despite that she continued to pester him. Seeing he only had about a dollar she bought him a bagel and a coffee and asked him to sit down with her. Chris obliged. He proceeded to tell her that people usually treated him unkindly because he was homeless. That drugs had “turned him into someone he hated”. That he had lost his mother to cancer, also that he had never met his dad. Chris wanted so bad to be a man his mom could be proud of. The two spoke for hours. Chris was one of the most honest and sincere people she had ever met. Unfortunately time was no longer on their side, she had to return to class. Upon telling Chris this he asked if she could wait a moment longer before she left. He pulled out a crumpled old receipt and a pen, once he was finished he handed the paper to her apologizing for the shaky handwriting. Once she got to her car she opened the scrap of paper. What was written there was likely not what she had ever expected. 

  
“I wanted to kill my self today. Because of u I now do not. Thank u, beautiful person.”

Praise the Lord! It is amazing how God puts us at different places at different times. That He puts love and compassion in our hearts to reach out or help our fellow brothers and sisters. This story really has nothing to do with giving anything monetary to someone less fortunate. While yes she did buy him a coffee and a bagel, the greatest thing she had given him was a compassionate ear and time. This man was likely at the lowest point in his life. So much so he wanted to kill himself, but it wasn’t Chris’ day. This college student through compassion and love saved a mans life. A common phrase that drives me bonkers is “time is money”. While yes in some instances this is a true statement, I feel it minimizes the true power and value of time. As we see here time has the power to control life and death. A human life is so very precious and the time we have with one another is so limited. I encourage all of you take a look at how you value time. Is time money? Can the value of time really be measured? God bless each and every one of you and your families. In the week ahead please take that extra moment as you never know what difference it can make. Thank you and always have a safe, fun, God filled weekend. For this article and many more click here.

 

The return of Fellowship Friday 2016

Hello all and happy new year. I know it’s been nearly a year since I posted a fellowship Friday. As those of you who follow my blog know 2015 was probably the worst year of my life. I lost my brother to suicide, as did I lose my life. I lost so much. I was and am in so much pain. I, I, I. Though yes it was a horrible year of MY life God didn’t stop being God. While yes I felt alone, abandoned, scared and alone I wasn’t! God hadn’t left me, I pushed Him away. He was still doing amazing works not only in my life but also in countless others. Though it didn’t feel like He was doing amazing things in my life I assure you He was. I am alive, I am still fighting. He has shown me just how much strength I have. Even though I feel so weak and afraid I know I am not alone and I am strong. He has made me a fighter. Losing Jeffery, my home and my life has truly. Opened my eyes to the power and love only He has and can give. He truly is an amazing and merciful God. I will once again be sharing the joys and blessing of God working through man. I look forward to sharing with you all once again. God bless all of you have a safe, fun and God filled weekend.

 

Born into a death sentence: based on a true story.

Jochebed. Exodus 1:8-22 & Exodus 2:1-10

Us Levites have grown immensely as a people. Our numbers have increased significantly, and we are a mighty and strong people. The new king, a man not of Joseph’s line, is not pleased about our increasing numbers. There has been whispers among the midwives that the new king has ordered them to kill any male child born to a Hebrew woman, but the female children should be spared. Thank the Lord they are good, God fearing Hebrew women. They have told the king that we are quick in labor and deliver before they arrive. The king is working us so much harder! It seems he is working us even harder since the whispers from the midwives. He is forcing us to work ever so much more in brick, mortar and the fields. Despite all the work our numbers are still increasing. Our numbers are so great we have spread across this land of Egypt. Pharaoh has ordered to all the people that “every boy that is born you must throw into the Nile, but let every girl live”. What kind of king is this? Is he so impotent that he fears us? Is his kingdom so weak he fears our numbers? What have the Levetical people done to him and his land to deserve such a decree? Have we done anything but serve him obediently?

I have laid with my husband and am now with child! This should be a joyful time, but I am plagued with fear. I pray to the Lord our God it is not a boy! How is a mother to throw her child into the Nile? I see the other mothers after they are forced to do this. I have tried helping them, consoling the. Their pain is great and consuming. They are inconsolable. I cannot bare the thought of it! Should I bare a son, I have to believe God will deliver my him from this horrible fate.

The day has come! Today my child will arrive! I have prayed about this moment all these months. That my child be born a girl. The pains have arrived, I can feel the pains of child birth begging. I will now find out the fate of my innocent child. My beloved child. With hushed voices I am told it is a boy. My heart sinks. He has been born into a death sentence. When I look at my son I see great beauty in him. I cannot simply throw him into the Nile! I will not! I can conceal him! Protect him! My beautiful boy. I absolutely  will not!

Concealing him at first was not so hard to do. Though it is getting increasingly more difficult. He is in his third month now. I don’t think I can conceal him any longer. My heart aches and hurts at the thought of not only losing my infant son but also for him to suffer such a death. At the hands of his mother no less. I just know that, should he have been allowed to live he would have been a great man and have gone on to do great things. I do not want to do this! To toss my child into the Nile. The thought not only pains me but I can also see the pain it is causing Miriam. She has great sadness within her, this too pains me. If only there was another way. We both know what must be done, and both feel the pain and conflict involved in doing so. I have retreaved a papyrus basket, coated in tar and pitch to lay my innocent son in. No parent should out live their child, let alone be the one to fulfil such a fate. My hands shake as I lay my young son down in the basket. Tears stream down my face as I set my dear boy among the reeds by the bank of the Nile. While I do so Miriam stands at a distance. Watching. Crying. After one last look I say goodbye to my beautiful baby boy forever.

I lay and lament over the loss of my baby boy. Suddenly Miriam bursts in calling for me. There is excitement in her voice. She tells me that Pharaohs daughter has found my son. That she needs a Hebrew woman to nurse him for her. My heart fills with joy and gratefulness. He has been saved! He has escaped a certain death! He lives! Miriam and I run to where Pharaohs daughter and my son are. She asks that I nurse him for her and in return she will give me my wages. I almost want to refuse the wages, but that may raise suspicion. I lift the basket containing my son and bring him back to his home. The Lord our God has truly found favour in me! My heart is overwhelmed with joy! As time passes he grows and learns. He is a delightful child. He will be wise and fair. I know that once he is completely weaned I will once again lose him, but he will be alive! He will have a life of royalty and privilege. I pray he does not forget me, his family, or all I have taught him about his God and his people. Our Lord has granted him life! Has chosen him so survive against the wills of man. God must have great plans for my beautiful boy.

The time has come for me to hand over my precious son. I pray God grants me strength. That he works through Pharaohs daughter, even though she is a heathen, to raise my son well. That she may love and adore him as I his mother does. My heart wrenches as my son reaches his third year. As before I know what I must do. Though this time I know he will surly survive. I must put my trust and faith in the Lord our God. For He delivers those who fear and obey Him. I have to keep my faith in Him. He will give my boy a wonderful full life. Why else wou he have saved him from certain death? Still I can’t help but wonder a few things. Will she love him as I do? Will he be treated fairly despite being of the house of Levi? What will his life be? Will he be happy? All these questions, thoughts and many others run through my mind as I prepare to give my child away.

I bring my beautiful son to Pharoahs daughter. Her eyes light up the was a mothers does upon seeing her child. Yes, he will be in good hands. I hand over my son to the woman who is now to be his mother. I walk away from them with tears in my eyes and a mix of gratefulness and sadness in my heart. For the years leading up to my death I hear updates and news of how my beautiful son lives. She has named him Moses. He has the royal life he was destined to have. As I lay dying I know that myself, my family and my beloved baby boy have been blessed and have found favour with the Lord our God. I pray He continues to bless them all long after I am gone. I am Jachebed.

 

Good riddance!!!

I have never been so glad to see a year pass. 2015 was without a question the worst year of my life. I am trying to look to the year ahead with optimism and hope, but I seem to have fallen short on both. I don’t know what the year ahead will bring but with this past year it can only get better. Right? I guess we will see. 2015 robbed the world of an amazing man. He left us suddenly very early in the year. It has been ten months yet the pain feels like it was just yesterday. We suffered many different kinds of losses in 2015 but he was by far the greatest loss. I am at a loss of words. I am not sure quite how to describe what my life looks like today without him and all the other losses. I just pray the year ahead is filled with peace, love and renewal. That we may overcome the pain of 2015. Happy new year to all of you! I pray the new year brings only good things for you and your families! God bless!!

 

Dear Jeffrey Dec.26 2015

Well here we are. We survived Christmas, in a way I guess. We stayed strong for the most part, outwardly that is. I did break but only for a moment. Dad was really struggling. I hate seeing him hurt like this! I breaks my heart! The contrast from this year to last is like light and dark. Last year was amazing and everything I asked for! We finally had you back! You seemed happy, optimistic, stable even. I know you were still hurting. I understand that, but for that one day we had YOU. We had the boy I grew up with not the man who had the weight of the world oh his mind. For that one day you didn’t have to worry about all the things that hurt you. You were so strong! You ate all my muffins lol you destroyed the turkey while carving it. Yes I know I said you did a good job, but let’s be honest you tore that bird apart! You prayed over the meal with us. Made me watch that UFC pre fight documentary that you talked through explaining the drama better than they did. For that one day the world didn’t exist. We were kids again just hanging out. It was amazing! This year was the complete opposite. A dark cloud hung over us the entire day. While we tried to ignore the pain, pretend even for one day it didn’t exist, we just couldn’t. We tried not talking about you, but you came up often. I tried not to cry, but did. The world seems to have changed. All in such a short period of time. Ten months. Ten months have passed since you chose to leave us. Chose for your pain to end. Not only the world has changed. The family has too. I keep making the remark that the family died with you. This year it was just dad and I. We were completely alone, but that’s okay. He and I were the closest to you, so it seems fitting. It feels like so many have moved on. Moved past you. I can’t and won’t! Never! I fear if I let go of my pain I will forget you. Or lose you. All I have now is the pain you caused, but if that is all I have of you I will take it! I know it is probably stupid and you’re likely calling me an idiot as you have many times, but I don’t know what to say. A quick side note, at your wake so often when people were talking about you, or telling stories, nearly everyone would refer to you  calling them an idiot the unique way you would say it. I am lost. I am trying to find my path, my purpose even. I want to be okay. I want to not hurt so bad. I want to be free of my mind. Free of the demons within it. I do have amazing people trying to help me. One specific person (aside from dad) and they do lift me when I am down. When I let them in. I fear letting people in. I feel like if I let them in they can hurt me. If I push them away they can’t leave me like you did. They can’t hurt me like you did. So I keep disappearing, hiding from them. I am struggling with being angry with you. While yes I am sad and miss you I am also so mad that you did what you did. That you couldn’t keep fighting, you were way to strong to just give up. That you couldn’t even say goodbye! I know I’ve said these things before, and will likely keep saying it until those feelings dissipate. Though I don’t find it likely they will. I lived for you, I fought for you. I did everything in my power to fix you! You made me a failure! You made a choice that I will forever suffer the consequences for. You left me! You abandoned me! I wasn’t good enough for you. I wasn’t good enough to live for. I know you were in pain. I know she broke you among other things. But why wasn’t I enough Jeffery? What else could I have done? How could I have made things different? These questions are what haunt my nightmares. Speaking of nightmares, please make them stop. I don’t want to see you that way every single night! I just need peace. Sorry I’ve gone way off track. Anyways while this year was probably the worst Christmas of my life I must be greatful for dad. He is so strong. He is trying so hard. Please be with him. Let him know you have found peace. Okay well I’ve whined and griped enough for now. I pray you found the peace you so desperately wanted Jeffery. That God has given you peace in your heart and mind. I love you so much more than words can say. Keep watching over us Jeffery.
Love always
Bilbo