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Fellowship Friday!!!

Hello everyone! Happy Friday to all of you! This has been quite challenging for me. I have been very sad, angry and moody. Basically very emotional. It is getting easier. We have the benefit concert for Jeffery tomorrow. Please pray it goes very well and there is lots of money raised for mental health awareness. Also for strength and healing for the family and all of those effected by Jeffery’s passing.
Onto this weeks fellowship Friday! This beautiful story brought tears to my eyes! A 22yr oldcollege student summoned an Uber cab. It was a ride that would change both the student and the driver. The young man was speaking to the driver Mr.Broskey a 69 year real estate agent and Uber driver, while on the way to meet his friends. Mr.Broskey told him that he was working both jobs to save as much money as he could before he passed away to ensure his daughter and grandchildren, a part time waitress, could keep the home after he passed. She wouldn’t be able to on her own. He then informed the student that he was given 2-10 weeks to live as he has terminal cancer of the ears, nose and throat. His doctors told him to start looking for a hospice to spend his final days in. He refused to because of his concern for his daughter and grandchildren. The student took it upon himself to open Mr.Brosky a “Go fund me”account. Within 5 days they reached $100000!!! Praise the Lord! It was enough to pay the remaining $95000 of the mortgage! That was even after “God fund me” took their fee’s off. This story just warms my heart. It goes to show that everyone is able to make a difference if their hearts are in something!! Big or small. I would imagine Mr.Broskey would never have expected his fair would turn out the way it did! God bless all of you. Please pray the family and friends of both the student and Mr.Broskey. Have a safe, fun and God filled weekend!!!! You can find this story and many more here.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.22

Soooo what if I just don’t go Saturday? I don’t know what to do. I know I need to be there but at the same time I am dreading it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my mood again. Once again you were the topic of discussion last night. As it usually does the conversation went in a direction that made me angry. Like that’s any surprise. I remember when I was happy and safe all the time. That was nearly two months ago. Sure I do have moments when I am happy now, but it’s incomplete. I can’t stand putting on that stupid fake smiley face for the world everyday. Our parents know I am sure. They make small comments never pushing and you can see in their eyes that I am not tricking them. I try my darnedest though. I am trying to be better than this. I am trying to be what they need from me. They let me think I have succeeded for the most part. Why would you take that happiness from me? We keep going over various scenarios on cause, reason, deliberate or not. As you know my big issue is why you didn’t call me. Why you didn’t text me. Just why?? We talk like maybe you didn’t do it on purpose. You accidentally took to much of this, or you mixed it with that. Or if it was all the above compounded with you being sick before you came back. I want to believe any one of those things were why you didn’t call or text. The problem is what your actions were leading up to it. What people are telling me about you attitude and state of mind. I shouldn’t have had to of heard that stuff from other people!!! I should have known first hand!!! You should have talked to me. Just said hi or anything! I feel like I know how you feel about me. At the same time while everyone is saying all the same things as I think, that they are lying to me. To make me feel better or important in some way I don’t know! At the same time again, in a way I do believe it because they deal with me with kid gloves much the way you did. That makes me think it’s true. The only missing thing is that you said at least one thing to everyone but me! I said I wanted a punching bag yesterday lol it would beat breaking my hand once again! No? Of course I am going on Saturday, I just need you and God to be with me and guide me. Give me strength and protect me and my broken heart! As always I love you and miss you.
Love alway
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.16

Hey! I pray you are resting well in Gods arms right now. So as you know the show is next weekend. I am going to go! :/ I am not to sure how I feel about it though. For two reasons. One look at me!!! I will stick out like a sore thumb! I have been told I will have a safe place to hide though :). Mom actually asked if D would be upset if she jumped onstage to take pictures like she did at your show! Haha gotta love that woman! I told her no! We’ll see if she actually listens. Two is I am scared of how I am going to feel afterwards. We seen E and talked to M yesterday and it was hard. Afterwards I felt so sad. I felt your loss so much greater. Again it sucks! Dad on the other side was just beeming! That made me happy to see though. Now my concern is that it’s going to be like the memorial, everyone coming over telling me stories about you. How great you are, how they wouldn’t be who they are today if it weren’t for you. How you changed their life. How you were their best friend. While I absolutely love hearing this stuff, I too can say the same things. The pain is so deep already. Hearing this again from hundreds more people is going to be hard. Let alone the show is dedicated to you, about you, and for you! You are already in everything I see, hear, feel and think. How many more nights do I have to cry? I say nights like that’s the only time I cry. I suppose it would be easier to just say how much more do I have to cry? I am tired of when I am alone crying! Everyone keeps saying don’t cry alone, come get me, call me, talk to me. I feel like they have their own issues with your loss. I don’t want to weigh them down with mine too! Normally I would haved called or texted you! Can’t do that now! I don’t know Jeffery I am just tired. I love you and miss you so very much.
Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Fellowship Friday!

Happy friday everyone! This week has been quite uneventful for me. Like really nothing eventful took llace. This i am going to look at as a good thing :). This week’s story is centered around body image, well really self image. For some sad reason society seems to think that celebrities are exempt from having feelings or self-esteem issues. Despite being on display for the whole world to see and watch, yes they chose the spotlight but they are still human beings. I am horrible for watching the gossip shows, and reading the rag mags. It is out of pure curiosity of how the “otherside” lives. I try to keep judgments at bay. One of the most recent examples is Pink. Who is undoubtably gorgeous! Before she had her daughter she was very fit. Like on the cover of fitness magazine! Today she is more concerned about being a mom and loving herself as she is. She is by no means fat or even big in any way! She looks healthy and beautiful. Her response to the bullies was beautiful!

“I can see that some of you are concerned about me from your comments about my weight. You’re referring to the pictures of me from last night’s cancer benefit that I attended to support my dead friend Dr. Maggie DiNome. She was given the Duke Award for her tireless efforts and stellar contributions to the eradication of cancer. But unfortunately, my weight seems much more important to some of you. While I admit that the dress didn’t photograph as well as it did in my kitchen, I will also admit that I felt very pretty. In fact, I feel beautiful. So, my good and concerned peoples, please don’t worry about my. I’m not worried about me. And I’m not worried about you either:)… I am perfectly fine, perfectly happy, and my healthy, voluptuous and crazy strong body is having some much deserved time off. Thanks for your concern. Love, cheesecake.” Pink via Twitter

image

This is the picture she spoke of. By people picking on her they in a way took away from the awareness she was trying to raise. It is so sad that these people think it is acceptable in any way to put another person down, let alone doing it on such a public platform.  In my opinion it’s because society has made it so acceptable to do this with celebrities, that so many youth are being bullied on social media the way they are. It breaks my heart to hear about so many men and women, girls and boys, who are taking their lives over it. God has created each and everyone of us just as He wants us. We are all beautiful in His eyes. That’s not to say I haven’t or don’t suffer with self-esteem issues. Like many people I have had my share of body issues. A kind of funny only the Lord would do this story; I have always been very insecure of my front teeth. They are to big and the right one is a little crooked, it was very crooked. This of course is solely my opinion. So against the wishes of everyone around me I chose to get braces. They were painful and I couldn’t stand them, but I disliked my teeth more than I disliked them. After getting them off I was so excited! I finally had the teeth I’d always dreamed of! Well, the Lord had other things in mind for me. I had done all the things I was told to by the orthodontist yet my teeth were still going back sideways! Not quite as bad but sideways all the same. After crying about it and being more self conscience than ever it dawned on me. God was putting me back to the way He had intended me to be! The crooked teeth caused me to health issues what-so-ever, it was pure vanity. You see when God has a plan for you, even your appearance He makes it so! You are all beautiful and just as God intends you to be at this very moment! Embrace and love yourself and all others the way God embraces and loves you! You can find this story and many more like it here! I pray you all have a safe, fun God filled weekend! God bless!!

 
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Posted by on April 18, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Alternate ending?

A few years ago I met a young man at the job I was working at the time. Just a little history of this young man. He was raised in a very pushy in your face Christian home. The type where if he didn’t meet it exactly he was put on the outside in a way. He dare not ask any questions. When he was 15 he got jumped by some other teens his age. He couldn’t go to his family because as I said he was on the outside. At his most vulnerable needful time a certain gang approached and befriended him. He seen the unity and “family” he was missing. When I met him he was 17 and I was probably 25ish. He wasn’t deep in the gang, more of an associate, but they definitely had their grips in him. At that time I was very involved in my church and attending Bible college. I try to live in a way that when I tell people I am a Christian they are surprised in a way. I try to show people that they don’t have to be perfect to have the love of Christ. Christ came for the sick not the well! Him and I really connected. I knew him better than anyone. When he had questions I was open and honest with my answers. Not condemning him. We did talk about the gang on many occasions. I understood why he wanted to be a part of it, but expressed that with Christ he could have the same feeling. Only the “family” aspect would be true and without alterior motives. After a year of really building a special relationship he started coming around more and more. He was asking more questions. I could see the seed being planted. I felt as though I was bringing him away from the grips of satan and the gang. One day during one of our deep conversations he asked “if I came to church with you would you be ashamed of me? Would you still talk to me while we were there?” YES!!!! The light was starting to shine! He must have spoken to them (the gang) about not associating with them or something and that it was because of our friendship. Certain members started showing up at our workplace. They weren’t buying anything. They would just glare at me. I spoke with Jeffery about what was going on. He forbid me to speak to him again (that is not to be taken lightly). He said that it was for my safety and the safety of my family (he had a very good reason for this warning, based on personal knowledge of dealing with this specific group) As many of you may know Jeffery was a protector of all, and that is where his personal insight came from. I was so angry with Jeffery. So I ignored his instructions for a bit. That was until the VERY scary president of the gang showed up one afternoon. Again didn’t buy anything, just glared at me. My heart was torn between mine and my families well being and the newborn bright seed! Soon after that I quit and cut ties with this bright young soul. I had to, though it broke my heart I had to think about my family. I had to trust that God would take care of him. While I kept this young man in my prayer and constant thoughts over the years, time went on as it always does. Very recently there was a story in the news about a young man from this gang that was shot by police. Fear set in my heart. I looked further into the incident via google and they had an image of the young man involved. It was him! This young beautiful soul! I am sad and torn with regret. I try not to live with regret, because everything in life is a part of Gods plan, but what if I stayed in contact? Would it have actually changed his fate? Would my family have come to harm because of me? I truly don’t know. I have faith that God has put me everywhere He has wanted me. I ask that you pray for this young mans soul. That he did receive the Lord but made some bad choices. We are all sinners after all. As if I needed anymore weight on my heart right now, but here it is. What do you think? Could I have done more? Thanks for stopping by! God bless!

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.13

Hi Jeffery! So I was thinking about you today, once again….I say that as if a day or even minute goes by that I don’t think about you. I don’t feel consumed by anger today. Just sad and lost. It is so hard to see the pain in mom and dads faces. Just by looking at them you can tell they are thinking about you. There is a sadness that glazes over their eyes. It is heart breaking Jeffery! I don’t know how to help them. I can’t even help myself! Whatever anyways….this is something I wrote. I don’t know if it’s for you or for me. It just is I guess. As you know I won the dummy award, it was doing that, that got me to write this so I can’t really complain about the pain. It was a nice but all to brief break from my emotional pain though. So from physical pain to emotion pain here it is.

Broken hand
Broken heart
Now I know not where to start

Once I walked protected
Now I walk alone
Imprisoned by tears and fears

David is gone
While Goliath stands on
Towering over me
Taking me
Breaking me
Right now he has his stake in me

I can hear David
Hear his voice
Telling me to stand
To fight
It’s what’s right

I cry
I can’t
I wont
Please don’t

My ears are plugged
Plugged with pain and hate
I am to weak to fight
I can’t bare your sling and stone
They are to mighty for my shaking hands

Broken hand
Broken heart
I know not where to start

Starting over
Turning over
David’s pain is finally over

So there it is. I don’t know where to go from here. Where do I start? Like really though? I just don’t know. I am sick and tired of crying and feeling this black hole of pain. It sucks! There is no better way of putting it, that is without using very colorful language. I listen to your voice in your songs and it just make me miss you more, and yet I can’t stop listening. It’s all I have in this physical world of you to hold onto. It makes me want to hear you call just to say you love me. I treasured those calls and texts! It seemed we were so connected. If I was having a bad day it was like you just knew. Those are the times you’d just send a “I love you” or “I miss you”, even when you had no idea how my day was going. Just sitting here writing about it makes me cry. When will the tears stop? The pain? I am over it! I feel like I don’t have the strength to do this. To deal with it. I keep praying for strength. Praying that God will take this pain from not only me but everyone. You have no idea the impact you made in this world! You are getting shout outs everywhere! I’d love to know what you think of dads tattoos! They are for you! He misses you so much Jeffery! Come to him and let him know you are ok! His heart is broken in two. He needs to know you are ok and with the Lord. Mama too!  We called the medical examiner to see if we could get any answers yet and still nothing! I don’t know……..I love you, I miss you. We all love you and we all miss you. You know they are dedicating an entire show to you? Pretty awesome huh? I am actually going! I may hide in the back out of fear……..but I will be there! OK I can’t stop crying again so I shall stop writing for now. I love you and miss you more than you could know!

Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery, Poetry

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.9 2015

It was suggested to me to start writing you letters. At first I thought it was a stupid idea, but today my heart was softened at the idea. That and I am mad at you today! I am mad that you are not here, mad that I have questions I know you’d have the answers to. Mad that because you took yourself from me you can’t answer these questions. Or any question I may have for you again. Ever. By the time we meet again, like you, I will be all knowing. By then I won’t need your answers! I need then now! I am also mad at your mental illness! I am mad that people keep talking like you were your mental illness. You were not! You were Jeffery. Jeffery who had a mental illness, but at the end of the day you were not your mental illness! I hate your mental illness! You know I don’t ever use that word, but I mean it to the fullest extent of the word, I hate it! I keep telling people (usually once I am mad and bawling) that you were not weak, that you couldn’t have killed yourself. I know it was the mental illness that took you from us, but for some reason I look at it as a being and see the two if you as separate beings. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. I guess in a way the mental illness did make you weak, but not in a way you could control. I am mad about that too! Control that one bites my butt!!! You did soooo good! The last seven months. I know Jeffery, they weren’t easy and you were in a lot of pain. Why now? Why Feb.26th? What happened that day? The days leading up to it? Why wouldn’t you come to me? Why if I was so important to you couldn’t you have called or texted me? Everyone has been coming to me and telling me how you talked about me, loved me. Mom and dad, the boys, everyone! WHY???? I don’t understand! You went out with the boys, you called dad, why not me? I know you didn’t like me seeing you when you were down, but from what I am hearing from dad and the boys you were happy, at peace even. Why Jeffery? I can’t stand any of this! You want to know the worst part? This anger does nothing but deepen my pain. Which inturn deepens my anger. This feels like an endless circle of pain and anger that I keep getting sucked into! When I think I am okay, it sneaks up on me again, like a thief in the night. I love you my dear brother. I miss you more than you could ever know. God bless you Jeffery.

Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 11, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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