Here we are but mere hours until the new year, and like most. I sit here thinking about the year that has passed us by so very fast. I find myself thinking about life, love and loss. For me this year has certainly been filled with all of the above.
Life, blah that one is a kicker. Life takes you everywhere and nowhere at the some time. It brings you up and it tears you down. So I asked myself what has my life been this year? There has been lots of ups and downs, pain and even suffering. My personal relationships have grown so strong. I have found a brother in my cousin as well as a sister in a cousin. Not the same person of course lol. While at the same time it has strained others. Yes I had a lot of personal trials this year, my health for one, but God showed mercy on me. He healed me and actually gave me life after 15 years of suffering I now know what it is to live! A low point started one year ago Jan.1 2013. Being homeless, but again God delivered us, with His mercy, from that through my mom and grandma. By them allowing us to stay with them. All these things I think about as low points are always followed by God’s mercy.
Love! Oh how there has been love. I have found love in so many things. I have found new love and passion for my writing and God’s words. The beautiful faces and laughter of my amazing nieces and nephews. They make me feel OK with the fact that I will never be a mother. Getting a chance to grow and love unconditionally through them. The love of family. All the wonderful things that are only possible because of love. New love through new friendship and old friends and family made new. Through our job we have met some amazing people. Mainly our pharmacy patients. They teach us great things about life and love. The love I have received through unbelievable support and encouragement, thank you Jason, duder, mama and my Bubby. Most of all my love for God! He is a true redeemer! He has showed me that though I often act un-Christ like He still loves me. I sin, I hurt Him, I get angry, and He still loves me, but not only that He has mercy on me. Now that’s true unconditional love, unlike any other.
Loss. Well most my life I have been pretty blessed. I really haven’t had to deal with much loss. The one loss that I don’t really mourn is the death of my chance to ever become a mother. The death or loss of my uterus. Through that loss I gained a new life, a chance to actually live the way He intended me to. Not knowing or experiencing much loss lasted until this year. I lost quite a few good friends and my grandmother. The thing about loss is that we can’t explain it, describe it or express it, not fully anyhow, and certainly don’t want to share it. It just is. Perhaps I am making up for a lifetime of not so much loss. I really don’t know nor does it matter at this point. The friends I have lost I met through work and really had a great relationship with outside of work. I can remember after the first few passed, it’s been 4 people, I said that if Donna goes, the last of the 4 and the one I was closest to, I can’t do this (the pharmacy) anymore! I was done, done with letting people in just so I could just end up being hurt. My Bubby told me I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop going to them. That he would support me if I did but he knew I wouldn’t stop. He told me that each one of them and myself were better off because we did let each other in. We opened our hearts to one an other, allowing us to love and be loved. Thus bringing us back to love, it always comes back to love in the end. It is God’s unconditional love that saves us all in the end. Well in June my dear friend Donna did pass away, and my Bubby was right, like usual, I continue going to them, I continue to allow myself to love them and they me. With each person I have lost this year I have grown a lot, I though that loss was just that a loss. Certainly it was not a time of growth. The last loss I will suffer this year is my grandma. She was such an amazing soul and will be deeply missed and remembered. All the things I view as a loss is really a gain for God. He gains His children back. Back at a home and in a state of being in which He had intended for them all along. Well all of us eventually, ie: Genesis. So while I sit here and mourn I realize I should be rejoicing! As Jason puts it in his blog, I will post a link to his blog below. Rejoicing in love and life. To stop mourning what I consider to be a loss. At the end of the day, well year, this year has really been filled with nothing but God showing His never ending love and mercy for His children. So in the year ahead I pray for just the same. I cannot ask for anything more. When you have God’s love and mercy what else could you need or want? I will leave you with a question. How are you going to view your year? Thank you, God bless you, and please know you are and always will be loved. You are all a true blessing to me through your kind words and encouragement even though I have not met any of you, Well except two but they’re family. 🙂 Thank you God bless you and all the best in the new year!