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Monthly Archives: December 2013

A year in review

Here we are but mere hours until the new year, and like most. I sit here thinking about the year that has passed us by so very fast. I find myself thinking about life, love and loss. For me this year has certainly been filled with all of the above.

Life, blah that one is a kicker. Life takes you everywhere and nowhere at the some time. It brings you up and it tears you down. So I asked myself what has my life been this year? There has been lots of ups and downs, pain and even suffering. My personal relationships have grown so strong. I have found a brother in my cousin as well as a sister in a cousin. Not the same person of course lol. While at the same time it has strained others. Yes I had a lot of personal trials this year, my health for one, but God showed mercy on me. He healed me and actually gave me life after 15 years of suffering I now know what it is to live! A low point started one year ago Jan.1 2013. Being homeless, but again God delivered us, with His mercy, from that through my mom and grandma. By them allowing us to stay with them. All these things I think about as low points are always followed by God’s mercy.

Love! Oh how there has been love. I have found love in so many things. I have found new love and passion for my writing and God’s words. The beautiful faces and laughter of my amazing nieces and nephews. They make me feel OK with the fact that I will never be a mother. Getting a chance to grow and love unconditionally through them. The love of family. All the wonderful things that are only possible because of love. New love through new friendship and old friends and family made new. Through our job we have met some amazing people. Mainly our pharmacy patients. They teach us great things about life and love. The love I have received through unbelievable support and encouragement, thank you Jason, duder, mama and my Bubby. Most of all my love for God! He is a true redeemer! He has showed me that though I often act un-Christ like He still loves me. I sin, I hurt Him, I get angry, and He still loves me, but not only that He has mercy on me. Now that’s true unconditional love, unlike any other.

Loss. Well most my life I have been pretty blessed. I really haven’t had to deal with much loss. The one loss that I don’t really mourn is the death of my chance to ever become a mother. The death or loss of my uterus. Through that loss I gained a new life, a chance to actually live the way He intended me to. Not knowing or experiencing much loss lasted until this year. I lost quite a few good friends and my grandmother. The thing about loss is that we can’t explain it, describe it or express it, not fully anyhow, and certainly don’t want to share it. It just is. Perhaps I am making up for a lifetime of not so much loss. I really don’t know nor does it matter at this point. The friends I have lost I met through work and really had a great relationship with outside of work. I can remember after the first few passed, it’s been 4 people, I said that if Donna goes, the last of the 4 and the one I was closest to, I can’t do this (the pharmacy) anymore! I was done, done with letting people in just so I could just end up being hurt. My Bubby told me I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop going to them. That he would support me if I did but he knew I wouldn’t stop. He told me that each one of them and myself were better off because we did let each other in. We opened our hearts to one an other, allowing us to love and be loved. Thus bringing us back to love, it always comes back to love in the end. It is God’s unconditional love that saves us all in the end. Well in June my dear friend Donna did pass away, and my Bubby was right, like usual, I continue going to them, I continue to allow myself to love them and they me. With each person I have lost this year I have grown a lot, I though that loss was just that a loss. Certainly it was not a time of growth. The last loss I will suffer this year is my grandma. She was such an amazing soul and will be deeply missed and remembered. All the things I view as a loss is really a gain for God. He gains His children back. Back at a home and in a state of being in which He had intended for them all along. Well all of us eventually, ie: Genesis. So while I sit here and mourn I realize I should be rejoicing! As Jason puts it in his blog, I will post a link to his blog below. Rejoicing in love and life. To stop mourning what I consider to be a loss. At the end of the day, well year, this year has really been filled with nothing but God showing His never ending love and mercy for His children. So in the year ahead I pray for just the same. I cannot ask for anything more. When you have God’s love and mercy what else could you need or want? I will leave you with a question. How are you going to view your year? Thank you, God bless you, and please know you are and always will be loved. You are all a true blessing to me through your kind words and encouragement even though I have not met any of you, Well except two but they’re family. 🙂 Thank you God bless you and all the best in the new year!

Jason’s WordPress
http://spiritualityinn.wordpress.com/

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Posted by on December 31, 2013 in Blog's

 

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Aside

Image

Avon Lady

Avon lady at the door

Fear not I cry no more

Here I stand sore no more

The door has opened I need no more

Here I am forever more

 

Avon lady at your door

Here I stand you wanting more

Time, laughs, love and more

Rest easy and cry no more

I am here forever more

For as long as I can remember my grandma sold Avon, she used to bring my cousin and I her samples of everything. It was her passion. This is how we will remember her. The Avon Lady! Today our family suffered a great loss. Our beloved grandma went Home to the Father this afternoon. Please pray for her children, grandchildren and the whole family. Thank you in advance. God bless!

Go with God grandma

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2013 in Blog's, Poetry

 

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You Are

You are my light
You are my hope
You are my dreams
You are my friend
You are my lover
You are my confidant
You are my truth
You are my life
You are my way
You are my redeemer
You are my safe haven
You are my Savior
Most of all
You are my God

 
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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Poetry

 

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Prayer requests update

To start thank you for your prayers. My whole family really appreciates them. My grandma is kind of at a stand still. She showed improvements for a day but now not so much. She is pointing up at the sky talking to someone like she’s touching God’s face. I wasn’t there but this is what my aunt and cousin have told me. We are all kind of accepting the fact that she may not be here with us much longer. We know where she is going and that when she does she will go with peace in her heart. Thank you for your continued prayers. God bless! 

 
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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Blog's

 

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Zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz

I think I will give in to sleep now and pray that no nightmares come to me. God bless and goodnight!

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2013 in Blog's

 

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Just in case you were wondering :-)

The reason I put Amen, Amen on posts is because Amen means two things!
1) let it be so.
2) let it be true.
It’s just shorter to type Amen twice. God bless you and I pray you have a God filled day!

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2013 in Blog's

 

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Self loathing an ugly monster

Ever have one of those days where it feels like the world is against you? Where you have a feeling of impending doom? Where you want to crawl in a hole and cry? That is me today. It feels like nobody knows who I really am nor do they care, despite how much I try to force yourself on them.

There are a lot of really ugly things going on in my family right now. I don’t know if I have some fantasy of what a family is supposed to be, but whatever it is it’s wrong. Don’t get me wrong I do have an amazing family. It’s just I guess I expect more out of them than I am getting. It makes me so angry, because I feel like they don’t care to know who I am. For example my writing is the most important thing in my life and most of them have only read my stuff when I have put them on the spot. I do have a few who do read them and actually encourage it, my Bubby, my cousin Jason who is more like a brother to me he’s constantly pushing me to write and post, and Jason’s wife Cathy, and my beautiful mama bear. That should be enough, but I am greedy I want to share my passion with everyone I love.

I need to get past my anger and be grateful that I do have four amazing pillars of support and encouragement. We offer up our fears to God we offer sadness, stress happiness pretty much everything. Can we offer up our anger? Will He take it even though it’s not of Him?  I keep going to Ecclesiastes 7:9

“do not be eager in your heart to be angry, for anger resides in the bosom of fools” New American Standard Version

I am embarrassed by my behavior, but I don’t know how to hand it up to God. Or if he would even take it if I did. May I please ask for prayers of wisdom and stregth? Do you think God would accept it, if I did offer it up to Him?

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2013 in Blog's

 

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