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Lost myself in my ego

18 Jan

About 6 months ago I was talking to my Bubby about my writing. At that point I really wasn’t taking my writing all that serious, it was just a hobby. He told me that my writing was a gift from God, and that He was using me to share His word. He also told me that I had talent and that he had total confidence in my writing skills, that I could write great things if I really put my heart into it. So that’s what I did, I started putting effort and time into my pieces. Once I got the courage I opened a tumblr, that didn’t work well for me. I wasn’t getting the audience I was looking for. Then Jason talked me into getting a wordpress, and I loved it! People actually read my stuff and comment and encourage me, it’s a great feeling! I respect my Bubby so much, he is my confidant, and he is my best friend. That being said I really take what he says to heart, it’s like he can speak straight to my conscience. A lot of the time when he says something he really means it. Often before he says anything he has really taken a lot of time to think about what he is going to say. He is such a great source of encouragement to me. With him, my mom, my Duder, and Jason I get so much strength and courage. My Bubby though has been reading my writing since I started. For years he was the only person I would allow to read my writing. For the longest time my writing was very personal and private, it felt as though if someone was to reading it, it was as if I were baring my whole soul, imperfections and all. It was very intimate; it was my secret garden, a place I didn’t let people see. It’s hard to explain; it’s like when God gives you someone that you are really able to connect with and fully trust in a unique way you feel like with them you can achieve anything. Long story short I have an amazing support system!

When I started writing it was just for me, but it was pure, I had no ulterior motives. My intent was for the sole purpose of writing the Lords words, and that’s exactly what I did. What good was I doing writing just for myself? How was I sharing God’s word? The very words He put in my mind to share with all His children. Who was I helping by keeping it to myself? The answer is no one, God was calling me to write His words and I was hiding them away. Keeping them to myself, keeping them tucked away. Safe from judgment, guarded with fear. Now however, with having this blog, I find that I am still writing God’s words, but it’s like I am writing them with the expectation or purpose of getting likes and followers. I still mean all the words I am writing, but I kind of validate myself by whether or not people like or comment. It’s sad that I need the validation of strangers to give me confidence. Mind you I have found someone I believe to be a friend, Lala you are a true blessing and inspiration to me! I am writing the Lords words, I shouldn’t need validation, but I do so badly. The need for validation doesn’t just pertain to my writing; I am one of those people who need everyone to like them. I seek validation from everything. It’s a sad really. It’s almost like I have sold out in a way, as if I have commercialized my writing for likes and comments. I know that with my writing I tend to be very insecure, especially the poetry pieces. So with that when I get good rates and comments I feel like I have been accepted by my peers (fellow writers). I was actually thinking about deleting my wordpress so that I could get back to what I had before, but again my Bubby spoke his wonderful words of support and wisdom. He reminded me that when I opened this account my intent was to share the word of God the way I received it and understand it. I have to work within myself and get grounded again, back to basics kind of. Really take a step back and focus on why I started writing in the first place.

I guess my question for you is what is your intent when you are writing? Are you doing it to share the word of God the way you see or understand it? Is it to share your writing skills? Or is it to get validation? Does it matter to you what others think of your work? Do your insecurities hold you back when it comes to your writing? There really isn’t a right answer, everyone has their own reasons behind why they write and post what they do. I am just curious =-) We are all beautiful, perfectly imperfect human beings! God bless you all! I just need to find a way to gain confidence through my God instead of man.

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7 Comments

Posted by on January 18, 2014 in Blog's

 

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7 responses to “Lost myself in my ego

  1. secretangel

    February 15, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    The Lord gave me this while He guided me in the writing of my book, The Walking Wounded…”My Tongue is the pen of a ready writer.”. I write for the Lord…whatever He leads me to say. I pray for His guidance and He gives me the words. It’s amazing how many times I start to write and the words will just rhyme so I will put it in the form of a poem. Just seek His guidance and He will give it to you. Many blessings to you!

     
    • Pen of the Sheep

      February 17, 2014 at 2:08 am

      Wow!!! I absolutely love this!!! That is the very reason I use the name Pen of the Sheep! Would it be ok if I quoted this from you? Giving you full credit of course. So beautiful! It says so much in so little! God bless you!

       
      • secretangel

        February 17, 2014 at 7:09 am

        That is fine. It is from Psalm 45:1. I would love for you to read my book as God guided me in the writing. I know that He has a plan but I patiently wait on Him. Many, many blessings to you, my friend.

         
  2. Nath

    April 22, 2014 at 6:05 am

    Good thoughts at the end. I find my motives are so often to get people to notice me, not to glorify God. That’s my pride getting in the way and me putting myself before God. It’s a constant battle, but theres full forgiveness in Jesus 😀

     
    • Pen of the Sheep

      April 22, 2014 at 11:01 pm

      There truly is! It’s a glorious feeling! Thank you for stopping by!

       
  3. sf

    July 6, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Great questions listed and asked. Sumthin’ definitely to consider.

     

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