So here’s the thing…….

29 Jun

*this is not a blog for pity or self loathing. Please don’t pity me, I made a bad choice and this may be my consequence*
I have taken the last week or so off to get my brain in order I guess you’d say. In March of this year I had a CT scan of my abdomen, routine stuff after the hysterectomy. My abdomen was alright, all healed! Yay me! That is where the good news ends unfortunately. I had completely forgotten about the CT until a couple of weeks ago. I was seeing my doctor about some current minor problems I am having with my abdomen and he pulled up my CT results from March. Again I am told everything looked good and that’s when he paused, I just switched to this doctor in May so he hadn’t seen my results before. What he said in those few minutes has forever changed my life whether the outcome is good or bad. He told me that I have multiple nodes on the bottom of both lungs and that I need to quit smoke as soon as possible. I asked if it was cancer. He said because of being a smoker for as long as I have been and because of where, how many and how large they are, that it’s a very real possibility. Que punch in the gut! He said he is going to check me again next March to see, well you know, they have to wait that long for accurate results. I was so scared so so so very scared, to be honest I still am. Then I was mad, mad at God, mad at my old doctor for not saying anything, mad at the whole world really. Now I am refusing to deal with it, not out of denial but because I serve an awesome God who can and will take any burden I hand up to Him. Well this one is all His! I can’t do it, won’t do it! I accept whatever fate God has set for me, because I know to the depth of my being that He will cure whatever it ends up being. So there it is, that is why I had to step back for a short bit. As I said I don’t want pity, can’t stand it! It is what it is and God will handle this. I just ask for prayers of strength for myself and family. Thank you very much! Have a wonderfully God filled day! God bless you all!


Posted by on June 29, 2014 in Uncategorized


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10 responses to “So here’s the thing…….

  1. Susan Irene Fox

    June 29, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Well, dear friend, what huge news to try and cope with. As I said, you are now on my permanent prayer list. Two thoughts: 1) Good for you for giving the worries and fears up to God. That’s where they belong. Be sure to give Him your anger, too. He can take it. He’s a BIG God.
    2) When you’ve given yourself some time to digest all this, go for a second opinion. Waiting for a year for “results” seems, frankly, ridiculous. Because I had cancer, I know that there is a blood test that can be done for tumor markers. (And, btw, you have quit smoking, yes? Not wise to test God when expecting him to heal!)
    Praying for wisdom for doctors, clarity and discernment from the Holy Spirit, and peace in your heart.

    • Pen of the Sheep

      June 29, 2014 at 3:43 pm

      Thank you very much Susan. I feel bad giving Him anger, not that He can’t handle it but because He is love and I just doesn’t feel right giving Him anger. I don’t know, I can’t explain it very well, maybe I just don’t know how to. I have just always kept my anger to myself. I was thinking about getting a second opinion or a referral to some kind of specialist, I thought there was a blood test they could do! A recent blood test I had did show elevated white blood cells, I don’t know if that’s the one or not. I did google the exact wording from my results (they gave me a copy) and from what I found it is standard protocol to wait 6-12 months to retest or whatever, that was from the mayo clinic website I believe. I am trying to quit, in my province we have a great quitting smoking program and am working closely with them, I have cut down significantly. I’ll be starting chantix I think it’s called this week. I am putting my full faith and everything in God’s graceful hands. I understand with smoking it’s only my will that’ll actually make me quit, He is giving me what I need everyday to get every step closer. Thank you so much Susan, I truly appreciate your support and encouragement and most of all prayers! God bless you and have a God filled day!

      • Susan Irene Fox

        June 29, 2014 at 5:11 pm

        ❤ You know, if you read the Psalms of David, he doesn't hesitate to give his anger to God – when he trusts God with his anger, God changes his heart. Trust Him. He will also work to strengthen your will – your not in this alone.
        Bless you, too.

      • Pen of the Sheep

        June 30, 2014 at 12:55 am

        Amen, Amen! I always seem to forget about Psalms there is so much to learn in them. That is going to be my meditation tonight, offering up my anger! You are such a blessing my dear sister thank you so very much!! Endless blessings your way!

  2. Debbie

    June 29, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Praying and standing with you and your family! I love your faith in your great God, and so does He.

    • Pen of the Sheep

      June 30, 2014 at 12:59 am

      Thank you sister! We appreciate all the prayers we get. God bless you! I really had to take some time to digest the news, to be honest I had to pray my way into relying on God in this whole mess. He is so merciful and loving who better to give it it!?

  3. theywhoseek

    June 29, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    My prayers will be with you. May you continue to trust God and give Him your burdens. He is our great physican and He will give you the strength you need to get through whatever is in His plans for you. I will pray for a complete healing and for His peace to be with you during the waiting time. I know from experience the more we have to wait . . . the more He reveals Himslef to us. Stay in the Word and gleam all of His wonderful grace and mercy for you! ~ Blessings in Jesus, Deborah Ann ~

    • Pen of the Sheep

      June 30, 2014 at 1:01 am

      Thank you ever so much! Once again your words had me in tears. God bless you sister!

  4. secretangel

    June 30, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Well my sister… Did you see my posting for June 29… “Angry With God?” It’s OK to express anger or whatever your are feeling to God. He knows anyway. I stand with you in prayer and claim total healing. That the nodules will be gone in Jesus Mighty Name. We speak total healing…God bless you, my sister!

    • Pen of the Sheep

      July 4, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      I didn’t but will go have a look after work tonight! Thank you very much! God bless as well my beautiful soul sister!!


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