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Monthly Archives: April 2015

Dear Jeffery: April.26

Hi Jeffery! I did it!! I went to the show! It was so much fun! I was all worried and worked up for nothing! Nobody made me feel like an outcast at all! Most of the bands gave you shout outs!! You made such an impact on so many peoples lives! I am so proud of you! It felt like you were with us tonight! I can’t wait for the next show! Today marks 2 months since you left us. I think we will be okay. We will always have a part of us missing, but I think we will be okay. We will have good days and bad days. I pray that the bad days eventually get less than the good days. Right now it seems there are more bad than good. Tonight though was definitely good! I feel so happy! I love you Jeffery!
Love always
Bilbo

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Posted by on April 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Woot!! \m/

What an amazing night!!! Tonight was the concert. I thought it was the benefit concert for Jeffery but that one is later. Tonight one of the bands Jeffery was the front man for played with his best friend doing to vocals. It was AMAZING! It was a hardcore show, the kind of music that sounds like they are just screaming :). I was soooo nervous about going. Both my brothers are into that music scene, covered in tattoos, stretched ears the whole nine. Me…..I am the polar opposite! I have 4 tattoos, most of the time only 2 show, my ears aren’t stretched crazy big. Pretty much I am “preppy” compared to them. I enjoy the music but definitely don’t fit the stereotype of a hardcore kid lol. Who needs stereotypes?! One wouldn’t think being “average” or “normal” would make someone be the black sheep, but it does! Lol. There were 6 bands that played and 4 of them gave shout outs to Jeffery! I was worried that being around his friends and that would make me sad or miss him more, but I am happy! Yes you read right! I am happy! It was as though he was there with us! I can’t get over the impact he made in this world! We are hearing about bands all over north america giving him shout outs and dedicating sets to him! So for tonight I will hold onto this feeling! God bless and enjoy your Sunday! Good night!

 
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Posted by on April 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Fellowship Friday!!!

Hello everyone! Happy Friday to all of you! This has been quite challenging for me. I have been very sad, angry and moody. Basically very emotional. It is getting easier. We have the benefit concert for Jeffery tomorrow. Please pray it goes very well and there is lots of money raised for mental health awareness. Also for strength and healing for the family and all of those effected by Jeffery’s passing.
Onto this weeks fellowship Friday! This beautiful story brought tears to my eyes! A 22yr oldcollege student summoned an Uber cab. It was a ride that would change both the student and the driver. The young man was speaking to the driver Mr.Broskey a 69 year real estate agent and Uber driver, while on the way to meet his friends. Mr.Broskey told him that he was working both jobs to save as much money as he could before he passed away to ensure his daughter and grandchildren, a part time waitress, could keep the home after he passed. She wouldn’t be able to on her own. He then informed the student that he was given 2-10 weeks to live as he has terminal cancer of the ears, nose and throat. His doctors told him to start looking for a hospice to spend his final days in. He refused to because of his concern for his daughter and grandchildren. The student took it upon himself to open Mr.Brosky a “Go fund me”account. Within 5 days they reached $100000!!! Praise the Lord! It was enough to pay the remaining $95000 of the mortgage! That was even after “God fund me” took their fee’s off. This story just warms my heart. It goes to show that everyone is able to make a difference if their hearts are in something!! Big or small. I would imagine Mr.Broskey would never have expected his fair would turn out the way it did! God bless all of you. Please pray the family and friends of both the student and Mr.Broskey. Have a safe, fun and God filled weekend!!!! You can find this story and many more here.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.22

Soooo what if I just don’t go Saturday? I don’t know what to do. I know I need to be there but at the same time I am dreading it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my mood again. Once again you were the topic of discussion last night. As it usually does the conversation went in a direction that made me angry. Like that’s any surprise. I remember when I was happy and safe all the time. That was nearly two months ago. Sure I do have moments when I am happy now, but it’s incomplete. I can’t stand putting on that stupid fake smiley face for the world everyday. Our parents know I am sure. They make small comments never pushing and you can see in their eyes that I am not tricking them. I try my darnedest though. I am trying to be better than this. I am trying to be what they need from me. They let me think I have succeeded for the most part. Why would you take that happiness from me? We keep going over various scenarios on cause, reason, deliberate or not. As you know my big issue is why you didn’t call me. Why you didn’t text me. Just why?? We talk like maybe you didn’t do it on purpose. You accidentally took to much of this, or you mixed it with that. Or if it was all the above compounded with you being sick before you came back. I want to believe any one of those things were why you didn’t call or text. The problem is what your actions were leading up to it. What people are telling me about you attitude and state of mind. I shouldn’t have had to of heard that stuff from other people!!! I should have known first hand!!! You should have talked to me. Just said hi or anything! I feel like I know how you feel about me. At the same time while everyone is saying all the same things as I think, that they are lying to me. To make me feel better or important in some way I don’t know! At the same time again, in a way I do believe it because they deal with me with kid gloves much the way you did. That makes me think it’s true. The only missing thing is that you said at least one thing to everyone but me! I said I wanted a punching bag yesterday lol it would beat breaking my hand once again! No? Of course I am going on Saturday, I just need you and God to be with me and guide me. Give me strength and protect me and my broken heart! As always I love you and miss you.
Love alway
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.16

Hey! I pray you are resting well in Gods arms right now. So as you know the show is next weekend. I am going to go! :/ I am not to sure how I feel about it though. For two reasons. One look at me!!! I will stick out like a sore thumb! I have been told I will have a safe place to hide though :). Mom actually asked if D would be upset if she jumped onstage to take pictures like she did at your show! Haha gotta love that woman! I told her no! We’ll see if she actually listens. Two is I am scared of how I am going to feel afterwards. We seen E and talked to M yesterday and it was hard. Afterwards I felt so sad. I felt your loss so much greater. Again it sucks! Dad on the other side was just beeming! That made me happy to see though. Now my concern is that it’s going to be like the memorial, everyone coming over telling me stories about you. How great you are, how they wouldn’t be who they are today if it weren’t for you. How you changed their life. How you were their best friend. While I absolutely love hearing this stuff, I too can say the same things. The pain is so deep already. Hearing this again from hundreds more people is going to be hard. Let alone the show is dedicated to you, about you, and for you! You are already in everything I see, hear, feel and think. How many more nights do I have to cry? I say nights like that’s the only time I cry. I suppose it would be easier to just say how much more do I have to cry? I am tired of when I am alone crying! Everyone keeps saying don’t cry alone, come get me, call me, talk to me. I feel like they have their own issues with your loss. I don’t want to weigh them down with mine too! Normally I would haved called or texted you! Can’t do that now! I don’t know Jeffery I am just tired. I love you and miss you so very much.
Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Fellowship Friday!

Happy friday everyone! This week has been quite uneventful for me. Like really nothing eventful took llace. This i am going to look at as a good thing :). This week’s story is centered around body image, well really self image. For some sad reason society seems to think that celebrities are exempt from having feelings or self-esteem issues. Despite being on display for the whole world to see and watch, yes they chose the spotlight but they are still human beings. I am horrible for watching the gossip shows, and reading the rag mags. It is out of pure curiosity of how the “otherside” lives. I try to keep judgments at bay. One of the most recent examples is Pink. Who is undoubtably gorgeous! Before she had her daughter she was very fit. Like on the cover of fitness magazine! Today she is more concerned about being a mom and loving herself as she is. She is by no means fat or even big in any way! She looks healthy and beautiful. Her response to the bullies was beautiful!

“I can see that some of you are concerned about me from your comments about my weight. You’re referring to the pictures of me from last night’s cancer benefit that I attended to support my dead friend Dr. Maggie DiNome. She was given the Duke Award for her tireless efforts and stellar contributions to the eradication of cancer. But unfortunately, my weight seems much more important to some of you. While I admit that the dress didn’t photograph as well as it did in my kitchen, I will also admit that I felt very pretty. In fact, I feel beautiful. So, my good and concerned peoples, please don’t worry about my. I’m not worried about me. And I’m not worried about you either:)… I am perfectly fine, perfectly happy, and my healthy, voluptuous and crazy strong body is having some much deserved time off. Thanks for your concern. Love, cheesecake.” Pink via Twitter

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This is the picture she spoke of. By people picking on her they in a way took away from the awareness she was trying to raise. It is so sad that these people think it is acceptable in any way to put another person down, let alone doing it on such a public platform.  In my opinion it’s because society has made it so acceptable to do this with celebrities, that so many youth are being bullied on social media the way they are. It breaks my heart to hear about so many men and women, girls and boys, who are taking their lives over it. God has created each and everyone of us just as He wants us. We are all beautiful in His eyes. That’s not to say I haven’t or don’t suffer with self-esteem issues. Like many people I have had my share of body issues. A kind of funny only the Lord would do this story; I have always been very insecure of my front teeth. They are to big and the right one is a little crooked, it was very crooked. This of course is solely my opinion. So against the wishes of everyone around me I chose to get braces. They were painful and I couldn’t stand them, but I disliked my teeth more than I disliked them. After getting them off I was so excited! I finally had the teeth I’d always dreamed of! Well, the Lord had other things in mind for me. I had done all the things I was told to by the orthodontist yet my teeth were still going back sideways! Not quite as bad but sideways all the same. After crying about it and being more self conscience than ever it dawned on me. God was putting me back to the way He had intended me to be! The crooked teeth caused me to health issues what-so-ever, it was pure vanity. You see when God has a plan for you, even your appearance He makes it so! You are all beautiful and just as God intends you to be at this very moment! Embrace and love yourself and all others the way God embraces and loves you! You can find this story and many more like it here! I pray you all have a safe, fun God filled weekend! God bless!!

 
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Posted by on April 18, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Alternate ending?

A few years ago I met a young man at the job I was working at the time. Just a little history of this young man. He was raised in a very pushy in your face Christian home. The type where if he didn’t meet it exactly he was put on the outside in a way. He dare not ask any questions. When he was 15 he got jumped by some other teens his age. He couldn’t go to his family because as I said he was on the outside. At his most vulnerable needful time a certain gang approached and befriended him. He seen the unity and “family” he was missing. When I met him he was 17 and I was probably 25ish. He wasn’t deep in the gang, more of an associate, but they definitely had their grips in him. At that time I was very involved in my church and attending Bible college. I try to live in a way that when I tell people I am a Christian they are surprised in a way. I try to show people that they don’t have to be perfect to have the love of Christ. Christ came for the sick not the well! Him and I really connected. I knew him better than anyone. When he had questions I was open and honest with my answers. Not condemning him. We did talk about the gang on many occasions. I understood why he wanted to be a part of it, but expressed that with Christ he could have the same feeling. Only the “family” aspect would be true and without alterior motives. After a year of really building a special relationship he started coming around more and more. He was asking more questions. I could see the seed being planted. I felt as though I was bringing him away from the grips of satan and the gang. One day during one of our deep conversations he asked “if I came to church with you would you be ashamed of me? Would you still talk to me while we were there?” YES!!!! The light was starting to shine! He must have spoken to them (the gang) about not associating with them or something and that it was because of our friendship. Certain members started showing up at our workplace. They weren’t buying anything. They would just glare at me. I spoke with Jeffery about what was going on. He forbid me to speak to him again (that is not to be taken lightly). He said that it was for my safety and the safety of my family (he had a very good reason for this warning, based on personal knowledge of dealing with this specific group) As many of you may know Jeffery was a protector of all, and that is where his personal insight came from. I was so angry with Jeffery. So I ignored his instructions for a bit. That was until the VERY scary president of the gang showed up one afternoon. Again didn’t buy anything, just glared at me. My heart was torn between mine and my families well being and the newborn bright seed! Soon after that I quit and cut ties with this bright young soul. I had to, though it broke my heart I had to think about my family. I had to trust that God would take care of him. While I kept this young man in my prayer and constant thoughts over the years, time went on as it always does. Very recently there was a story in the news about a young man from this gang that was shot by police. Fear set in my heart. I looked further into the incident via google and they had an image of the young man involved. It was him! This young beautiful soul! I am sad and torn with regret. I try not to live with regret, because everything in life is a part of Gods plan, but what if I stayed in contact? Would it have actually changed his fate? Would my family have come to harm because of me? I truly don’t know. I have faith that God has put me everywhere He has wanted me. I ask that you pray for this young mans soul. That he did receive the Lord but made some bad choices. We are all sinners after all. As if I needed anymore weight on my heart right now, but here it is. What do you think? Could I have done more? Thanks for stopping by! God bless!

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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