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One month

02 Apr

This past week marked one month since we lost Jeffery. In some aspects the time has flown by. In others they have dragged on. Over the last month everyday has been very task oriented. Always leading up to the next task at hand. It seems the tasks whatever the size don’t stop. I am one of those people who prefer to stay busy when I am emotional. So the tasks are a welcome distraction from the the pain, however that part feels as though it’s been forever. I know that it does get easier in time. I am very impatiently waiting for said time. This whole thing is so foreign to me. Like most people I have experienced loss before. My uncle on my 3rd birthday, so I have virtually no memory of that. Then my great grand parent who lived in another province, so again not much memory. My Baba and Gido (grandma and grandpa Ukrainian) when I was 16 or so, they were very ill and it was kind of expected. My grandpa on my moms side, again he was older and ill, so expected. With Jeffery it was so utterly and completely unexpected! We had just gotten him back. Jeffery has borderline personality disorder along with a few other mental illnesses. Since he attempted to take his life in late July early August last year, it seemed like we got him back in a way. He had a very strained relationship with his astranged wife, and due to her behavior and various things she kept him from us. After she left him he was Jeffery again! He was my brother, my best friend. It was wonderful! Then one month ago his mental illness seeped back in. I don’t know fully the events of that week leading up to his death. What I have heard was that things were said and done between Jeffery and his estranged wife. She upset him once again! As far as we understand Jeffery took his life. My big strong amazing older brother surcame to his mental illness. I have been struggling so hard with his mental illness. This is the first time I have said this to anyone outside of the family. This pain is unbearable and unbeatable it seems. My heart knows that he is resting in the loving arms of God. I am just a greedy jerk. I want him here, I want him back! I don’t want to accept that someone so brave and strong could surcome to a fate like this. I don’t know…..I just don’t know about anything it seems. I do have comfort in knowing that through his passing I have gained a whole brood of wonderful people, people Jeffery held dear to him. I have lost one brother and gained 5. Today I had a moment of saddnes, I didn’t forget her was gone but kind of. I thought ‘oh I am going to call Jeffery, then the sadness took over remembering that I will never have the blessing of calling and talking to him again. I know one day we will all be together again, it’s just not going to be in my earthly life time 😦 Sorry for yet another depressing post. God bless all of you! Have a God filled week!

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Posted by on April 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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