It was suggested to me to start writing you letters. At first I thought it was a stupid idea, but today my heart was softened at the idea. That and I am mad at you today! I am mad that you are not here, mad that I have questions I know you’d have the answers to. Mad that because you took yourself from me you can’t answer these questions. Or any question I may have for you again. Ever. By the time we meet again, like you, I will be all knowing. By then I won’t need your answers! I need then now! I am also mad at your mental illness! I am mad that people keep talking like you were your mental illness. You were not! You were Jeffery. Jeffery who had a mental illness, but at the end of the day you were not your mental illness! I hate your mental illness! You know I don’t ever use that word, but I mean it to the fullest extent of the word, I hate it! I keep telling people (usually once I am mad and bawling) that you were not weak, that you couldn’t have killed yourself. I know it was the mental illness that took you from us, but for some reason I look at it as a being and see the two if you as separate beings. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. I guess in a way the mental illness did make you weak, but not in a way you could control. I am mad about that too! Control that one bites my butt!!! You did soooo good! The last seven months. I know Jeffery, they weren’t easy and you were in a lot of pain. Why now? Why Feb.26th? What happened that day? The days leading up to it? Why wouldn’t you come to me? Why if I was so important to you couldn’t you have called or texted me? Everyone has been coming to me and telling me how you talked about me, loved me. Mom and dad, the boys, everyone! WHY???? I don’t understand! You went out with the boys, you called dad, why not me? I know you didn’t like me seeing you when you were down, but from what I am hearing from dad and the boys you were happy, at peace even. Why Jeffery? I can’t stand any of this! You want to know the worst part? This anger does nothing but deepen my pain. Which inturn deepens my anger. This feels like an endless circle of pain and anger that I keep getting sucked into! When I think I am okay, it sneaks up on me again, like a thief in the night. I love you my dear brother. I miss you more than you could ever know. God bless you Jeffery.