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Dear Jeffery: April.9 2015

11 Apr

It was suggested to me to start writing you letters. At first I thought it was a stupid idea, but today my heart was softened at the idea. That and I am mad at you today! I am mad that you are not here, mad that I have questions I know you’d have the answers to. Mad that because you took yourself from me you can’t answer these questions. Or any question I may have for you again. Ever. By the time we meet again, like you, I will be all knowing. By then I won’t need your answers! I need then now! I am also mad at your mental illness! I am mad that people keep talking like you were your mental illness. You were not! You were Jeffery. Jeffery who had a mental illness, but at the end of the day you were not your mental illness! I hate your mental illness! You know I don’t ever use that word, but I mean it to the fullest extent of the word, I hate it! I keep telling people (usually once I am mad and bawling) that you were not weak, that you couldn’t have killed yourself. I know it was the mental illness that took you from us, but for some reason I look at it as a being and see the two if you as separate beings. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. I guess in a way the mental illness did make you weak, but not in a way you could control. I am mad about that too! Control that one bites my butt!!! You did soooo good! The last seven months. I know Jeffery, they weren’t easy and you were in a lot of pain. Why now? Why Feb.26th? What happened that day? The days leading up to it? Why wouldn’t you come to me? Why if I was so important to you couldn’t you have called or texted me? Everyone has been coming to me and telling me how you talked about me, loved me. Mom and dad, the boys, everyone! WHY???? I don’t understand! You went out with the boys, you called dad, why not me? I know you didn’t like me seeing you when you were down, but from what I am hearing from dad and the boys you were happy, at peace even. Why Jeffery? I can’t stand any of this! You want to know the worst part? This anger does nothing but deepen my pain. Which inturn deepens my anger. This feels like an endless circle of pain and anger that I keep getting sucked into! When I think I am okay, it sneaks up on me again, like a thief in the night. I love you my dear brother. I miss you more than you could ever know. God bless you Jeffery.

Love always
Bilbo

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4 Comments

Posted by on April 11, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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4 responses to “Dear Jeffery: April.9 2015

  1. secretangel

    April 12, 2015 at 12:09 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. The depth of your pain and grief is so obvious. I want to share a song with you that God gave me when I was crying out to Him for a teenage girl that took her life because of bullying. We can never understand why those that we love can end their lives, but God knows the depths of their pain and the brokenness that leads to it. This song played as I cried out to Him that day and it bring tears to my eyes as I think about you and your brother now. God knows…

     
    • Pen of the Sheep

      April 12, 2015 at 2:01 am

      Thank you sister. Oh my goodness that song is absolutely beautiful! His grace feels a long way from me at times but my heart does know that it is sufficient. I know He is with us while we go through this mourning and giving us the strength we need everyday. It just doesn’t seem to be enough. You know? Thank you for your support. God bless you sister.

       
  2. orgoh

    April 16, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    I feel the pain in your words and send a thought, a mental hug, across the wires to be with you. God bless.

     
    • Pen of the Sheep

      April 16, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      Thank you very much the hug was received! God bless you as well!

       

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