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Dear Jeffery: April.22

22 Apr

Soooo what if I just don’t go Saturday? I don’t know what to do. I know I need to be there but at the same time I am dreading it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my mood again. Once again you were the topic of discussion last night. As it usually does the conversation went in a direction that made me angry. Like that’s any surprise. I remember when I was happy and safe all the time. That was nearly two months ago. Sure I do have moments when I am happy now, but it’s incomplete. I can’t stand putting on that stupid fake smiley face for the world everyday. Our parents know I am sure. They make small comments never pushing and you can see in their eyes that I am not tricking them. I try my darnedest though. I am trying to be better than this. I am trying to be what they need from me. They let me think I have succeeded for the most part. Why would you take that happiness from me? We keep going over various scenarios on cause, reason, deliberate or not. As you know my big issue is why you didn’t call me. Why you didn’t text me. Just why?? We talk like maybe you didn’t do it on purpose. You accidentally took to much of this, or you mixed it with that. Or if it was all the above compounded with you being sick before you came back. I want to believe any one of those things were why you didn’t call or text. The problem is what your actions were leading up to it. What people are telling me about you attitude and state of mind. I shouldn’t have had to of heard that stuff from other people!!! I should have known first hand!!! You should have talked to me. Just said hi or anything! I feel like I know how you feel about me. At the same time while everyone is saying all the same things as I think, that they are lying to me. To make me feel better or important in some way I don’t know! At the same time again, in a way I do believe it because they deal with me with kid gloves much the way you did. That makes me think it’s true. The only missing thing is that you said at least one thing to everyone but me! I said I wanted a punching bag yesterday lol it would beat breaking my hand once again! No? Of course I am going on Saturday, I just need you and God to be with me and guide me. Give me strength and protect me and my broken heart! As always I love you and miss you.
Love alway
Bilbo

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4 Comments

Posted by on April 22, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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4 responses to “Dear Jeffery: April.22

  1. Christina Rose

    May 6, 2015 at 4:29 pm

    These letters are stunning. You are so brave and courageous to be pouring your heart out in his amazingly cathartic way. Simply beautiful writing. ❀

     
    • Pen of the Sheep

      May 6, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      Thank you so much! It has certainly been a process. Thank you so much πŸ™‚

       
      • Christina Rose

        May 6, 2015 at 4:46 pm

        Prayers and hugs ❀

         
      • Pen of the Sheep

        May 6, 2015 at 4:52 pm

        Thank you sister! Hugs right back ❀ πŸ™‚

         

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