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Dear Jeffery: May.1

05 May

Hi Jeffery. I pray you are having a blast up there with God and all the angels! We have decided to dedicate thunder to you! So every time we hear hear it we think of you! Not that we need a reminder I suppose, but you know what I mean :). I have had a good week this week. I kinda feel bad for not feeling sad and down all the time. Especially in the quiet alone times. Is that weird? I know it sounds stupid but I feel guilty for being happy in a way. Like of course I am sad that you not here, and when I think about you being gone. This week though when you come up in conversation it is usually a happy memory or happy thoughts about you. When I am alone I am learning to seek comfort in knowing you are finally healed. Free of all the pain and demons of your mental illness. I haven’t come to accept you with your mental illness, but you and your mental illness separately. It’s really hard to explain. I am having a hard time seeing any kind of weakness in you. Not that having mental illness makes you weak in any way. You are still mighty! The weakness comes from your end. You fought so hard the last 7 months. Harder than most would given all that had happened in such a short time. I know it probably sounds silly, but when I listen to my favorite song of yours. It’s as though you are apologizing to me for taking yourself away from me. I know that’s not the case. I know it’s an apology to Christ. Given the circumstances it get comfort from it. I am worried if I stop crying for you or being sad about you that is when I could forget about you. My mind knows that’s not possible but my heart is afraid. All of these new feeling scare the crap out of me Jeffery! Again this is when I would normally turn to you, but I can’t do that now, now can I? I am still writing like you wanted. It’s not very good but I am still doing it. I am not doing it for me because my heart is not it right now. If I had it my way I would just quit for a while, just long enough for my heart to heal a bit more. You know? I won’t though, for two reasons. One, it is my passion and two I want to write for you! I don’t want to quit my passion because I am sad. The content sucks sure, but I am working through my pain with it. Until next time my dear brother. I love you and miss you always!
Love always
Bilbo

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