Monthly Archives: December 2015

Dear Jeffrey Dec.26 2015

Well here we are. We survived Christmas, in a way I guess. We stayed strong for the most part, outwardly that is. I did break but only for a moment. Dad was really struggling. I hate seeing him hurt like this! I breaks my heart! The contrast from this year to last is like light and dark. Last year was amazing and everything I asked for! We finally had you back! You seemed happy, optimistic, stable even. I know you were still hurting. I understand that, but for that one day we had YOU. We had the boy I grew up with not the man who had the weight of the world oh his mind. For that one day you didn’t have to worry about all the things that hurt you. You were so strong! You ate all my muffins lol you destroyed the turkey while carving it. Yes I know I said you did a good job, but let’s be honest you tore that bird apart! You prayed over the meal with us. Made me watch that UFC pre fight documentary that you talked through explaining the drama better than they did. For that one day the world didn’t exist. We were kids again just hanging out. It was amazing! This year was the complete opposite. A dark cloud hung over us the entire day. While we tried to ignore the pain, pretend even for one day it didn’t exist, we just couldn’t. We tried not talking about you, but you came up often. I tried not to cry, but did. The world seems to have changed. All in such a short period of time. Ten months. Ten months have passed since you chose to leave us. Chose for your pain to end. Not only the world has changed. The family has too. I keep making the remark that the family died with you. This year it was just dad and I. We were completely alone, but that’s okay. He and I were the closest to you, so it seems fitting. It feels like so many have moved on. Moved past you. I can’t and won’t! Never! I fear if I let go of my pain I will forget you. Or lose you. All I have now is the pain you caused, but if that is all I have of you I will take it! I know it is probably stupid and you’re likely calling me an idiot as you have many times, but I don’t know what to say. A quick side note, at your wake so often when people were talking about you, or telling stories, nearly everyone would refer to you  calling them an idiot the unique way you would say it. I am lost. I am trying to find my path, my purpose even. I want to be okay. I want to not hurt so bad. I want to be free of my mind. Free of the demons within it. I do have amazing people trying to help me. One specific person (aside from dad) and they do lift me when I am down. When I let them in. I fear letting people in. I feel like if I let them in they can hurt me. If I push them away they can’t leave me like you did. They can’t hurt me like you did. So I keep disappearing, hiding from them. I am struggling with being angry with you. While yes I am sad and miss you I am also so mad that you did what you did. That you couldn’t keep fighting, you were way to strong to just give up. That you couldn’t even say goodbye! I know I’ve said these things before, and will likely keep saying it until those feelings dissipate. Though I don’t find it likely they will. I lived for you, I fought for you. I did everything in my power to fix you! You made me a failure! You made a choice that I will forever suffer the consequences for. You left me! You abandoned me! I wasn’t good enough for you. I wasn’t good enough to live for. I know you were in pain. I know she broke you among other things. But why wasn’t I enough Jeffery? What else could I have done? How could I have made things different? These questions are what haunt my nightmares. Speaking of nightmares, please make them stop. I don’t want to see you that way every single night! I just need peace. Sorry I’ve gone way off track. Anyways while this year was probably the worst Christmas of my life I must be greatful for dad. He is so strong. He is trying so hard. Please be with him. Let him know you have found peace. Okay well I’ve whined and griped enough for now. I pray you found the peace you so desperately wanted Jeffery. That God has given you peace in your heart and mind. I love you so much more than words can say. Keep watching over us Jeffery.
Love always

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Posted by on December 27, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery


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Ten months gone

Ten months gone
Everything feels so wrong
You are gone
Our family is gone
My life is gone
I am gone

Everything is wrong
You were wrong
Our family is wrong
My life is wrong
I am wrong

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Posted by on December 26, 2015 in Poetry


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Urgent prayer request

Please pray for my amazing mama she is in the emergency room right now and not doing well. Please pray they find out what’s wrong and heal her.


Posted by on December 23, 2015 in Uncategorized


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My dear big brother….

This says it far better then I ever could…..AUTHOR UNKNOWN

From day one all we did was fight,
now all I do is fight back my tears.
I wanted to do everything you did,
because I wanted to be just like you.
Now I sit here wondering what to do,
because there’s no one to replace you.

I never did tell you all the things I felt,
like how much I really did love you.
I wish we could go back and start over again.
I don’t want to be alone. I need my brother,
I need my best friend.

When you think of me
while you’re up in heaven,
Think of how much you meant to me.

It’s sad that you left
without saying goodbye,
But just remember we all love you
as you began to fly.

You did so much for me,
as I didn’t do much for you.
I hope you will forgive me,
for all the things I didn’t do

You were my brother
and my best friend.
I will always love you
no matter how long its been,
since your life came to an end.

forever you will be my best friend,  brother and one above watching me while I stay here protecting those close to us in God’s name.

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Posted by on December 6, 2015 in Poetry


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Dear Jeffery Dec.3 2015

It’s been a while since I last wrote you and posted it. I am not sure why I am choosing this one to post, but here we are.  It’s that time of year again, where families gather together to celebrate the birth of Christ and to be together with the ones we love sharing and celebrating the virgin birth. It is bitter sweet for a couple of us this year, I’m yet to find the sweet part but yeah. Though dad was the one who brought me to my faith. I don’t know where I’d be had you not found the Lord and got the conversation started. I honestly don’t know that I would have been saved. So thank you. I remember back when you were first saved, it feels like a life time ago now. I was so annoyed! Jealous even. I didn’t understand what you were so excited about. What you guys were talking about. I felt left out. I felt lonely. Well you know the rest of the story. It feels strange celebrating His birth and you not being here. Is that stupid? Maybe to say it doesn’t feel complete is a better way of putting it. So much has changed in the family since you left us. Some relationships have gotten so much better and some so much worse. Much much worse, if that is even possible. This year has been so screwed up Jeffery! It all started with losing you! Everything is different. Everything has changed. I hate it! I see everyone and the world so much differently. Once again you know how much I don’t use that word, how I despise that word, but I do hate it. Last year was amazing! Well I should say last Christmas was amazing, it was everything I could have ever wanted. It wasn’t because of the gifts or the meal. It was you that made it so perfect. You were so much more than we ever could have asked for. We finally had you back! I know it should bring me joy to think about it, but it doesn’t. It makes me sad. Angry. Hopeless. Just knowing I will never have that again. I will never have you again, well not until we are united in heaven that is. Never again will I have the perfect Christmas. Perfect life (not that life is ever perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but much less so). By perfect life I mean complete, no missing pieces. Never again will we sit and enjoy one another’s company. Never again will we have to joy of breaking bread together. Never again will you challenge my beliefs, to better my convictions. I was going to say never again will you challenge my faith, but you have done that with a single decision, a single act. You have challenged my faith far more than I ever expected it to be challenged. My knees may be weak, but my faith is still strong. Perhaps that is why this all happened? Was I getting weak, lazy and complacent in my faith? I know it is selfish to think that any if this is about me or for me. I know you were sick, and made that decision while not being of a sound mind. I know that. That can’t be all though! That can’t be the only reason. There had to be some good behind it. In all of this pain and anger, there has got to be some kind of positive reasoning. I am trying so freaking hard to see any kind of light and understand all of this. You know me, I always need answers and reasons. Things don’t “just” happen, that’s not the way the world works. The way God works. I am trying so hard Jeffery. I am not finding answers. I am not finding anything but pain around every corner. I try to make myself believe positive things, like the things I’ve just said. In reality I don’t believe any of it. I want to, but I just don’t. I want to be okay, but I’m not. I want answers, but can’t have them. I want so much, yet I can’t have it. Maybe that’s my issue. Maybe that’s why I can’t heal. I am too focused on wanting so much. So much so that I am ungrateful for what I do have. I am blinded by selfish desires. My pain often blinds me from seeing the good things. The blessings. I am grateful for the family and friends I do have left. The others well maybe in time those relationships can be repaired. Who knows, I can’t focus on those right now. It can only bring me farther down. I know I need to focus on what I do have, and the blessings I have been given. It all just doesn’t feel right without you. It’s as though myself and or even all of us are incomplete without you. There are a few of us who you can see that the light has dimmed in our souls since you left. You are the missing piece. After we first lost you the whole family was one, I mean everyone Jeffery. It was beautiful. You brought us all together. Then like all things, it didn’t last. One by one people left, stopped talking, or went back to their old ways of treating us (you know who us is) as though we are beneath them, or that we simply don’t exist. Of course there are those who want to pretend you and them had more than you did, whatever, if it helps them sleep at night who cares. I must admit I did get a chuckle at their expense. The right people know the truth. I have gone off track it seems. What I am trying to say is I don’t know how to celebrate Christmas this year. What do I do? Carry on as though nothing happened? Pretend I am not broken inside? Yes in my own way I will celebrate the birth of Christ this year. Nothing on heaven or earth could ever change that. It won’t be the same as I have every other year, but I will all the same. It’s the rest of it that I am struggling with, and it pains me. It makes me cry alone, all the time. It has broken me. It has destroyed me. Robbed me of who and what I am. Whatever I am being long winded again. Please just be with me, guide me, help me see the end of this suffering, pain, emptiness, hopelessness, sadness, mourning. Not just me but all of us. I don’t want to mourn you forever Jeffery. I wish you could meet the wonderful people I have met. They have shown me not everyone in this world is just worried about themselves. They are truly amazing! The kind of people that will lend a shoulder when you are weak and make you smile and laugh whenever they can. Perhaps you sent them to me. To offer the love and support you no longer can. Who knows. Either way they are amazing! Well crap it seems I’ve detoured again. I love you endlessly Jeffery!!! You were the beginning, middle and end of me. Please give me strength and hope so that I may have a future, even though it means a future without you. Give God and Jesus a big hug for me and thank them for welcoming you home with arms wide open! Despite what it’s done to me and everyone else I truly am glad your pain and suffering is gone. Rest well my dear big brother.
Love always and forever
Bilbo xoxoxo

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Posted by on December 4, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery


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