RSS

Dear Jeffrey Dec.26 2015

27 Dec

Well here we are. We survived Christmas, in a way I guess. We stayed strong for the most part, outwardly that is. I did break but only for a moment. Dad was really struggling. I hate seeing him hurt like this! I breaks my heart! The contrast from this year to last is like light and dark. Last year was amazing and everything I asked for! We finally had you back! You seemed happy, optimistic, stable even. I know you were still hurting. I understand that, but for that one day we had YOU. We had the boy I grew up with not the man who had the weight of the world oh his mind. For that one day you didn’t have to worry about all the things that hurt you. You were so strong! You ate all my muffins lol you destroyed the turkey while carving it. Yes I know I said you did a good job, but let’s be honest you tore that bird apart! You prayed over the meal with us. Made me watch that UFC pre fight documentary that you talked through explaining the drama better than they did. For that one day the world didn’t exist. We were kids again just hanging out. It was amazing! This year was the complete opposite. A dark cloud hung over us the entire day. While we tried to ignore the pain, pretend even for one day it didn’t exist, we just couldn’t. We tried not talking about you, but you came up often. I tried not to cry, but did. The world seems to have changed. All in such a short period of time. Ten months. Ten months have passed since you chose to leave us. Chose for your pain to end. Not only the world has changed. The family has too. I keep making the remark that the family died with you. This year it was just dad and I. We were completely alone, but that’s okay. He and I were the closest to you, so it seems fitting. It feels like so many have moved on. Moved past you. I can’t and won’t! Never! I fear if I let go of my pain I will forget you. Or lose you. All I have now is the pain you caused, but if that is all I have of you I will take it! I know it is probably stupid and you’re likely calling me an idiot as you have many times, but I don’t know what to say. A quick side note, at your wake so often when people were talking about you, or telling stories, nearly everyone would refer to you  calling them an idiot the unique way you would say it. I am lost. I am trying to find my path, my purpose even. I want to be okay. I want to not hurt so bad. I want to be free of my mind. Free of the demons within it. I do have amazing people trying to help me. One specific person (aside from dad) and they do lift me when I am down. When I let them in. I fear letting people in. I feel like if I let them in they can hurt me. If I push them away they can’t leave me like you did. They can’t hurt me like you did. So I keep disappearing, hiding from them. I am struggling with being angry with you. While yes I am sad and miss you I am also so mad that you did what you did. That you couldn’t keep fighting, you were way to strong to just give up. That you couldn’t even say goodbye! I know I’ve said these things before, and will likely keep saying it until those feelings dissipate. Though I don’t find it likely they will. I lived for you, I fought for you. I did everything in my power to fix you! You made me a failure! You made a choice that I will forever suffer the consequences for. You left me! You abandoned me! I wasn’t good enough for you. I wasn’t good enough to live for. I know you were in pain. I know she broke you among other things. But why wasn’t I enough Jeffery? What else could I have done? How could I have made things different? These questions are what haunt my nightmares. Speaking of nightmares, please make them stop. I don’t want to see you that way every single night! I just need peace. Sorry I’ve gone way off track. Anyways while this year was probably the worst Christmas of my life I must be greatful for dad. He is so strong. He is trying so hard. Please be with him. Let him know you have found peace. Okay well I’ve whined and griped enough for now. I pray you found the peace you so desperately wanted Jeffery. That God has given you peace in your heart and mind. I love you so much more than words can say. Keep watching over us Jeffery.
Love always
Bilbo

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 27, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Tell me what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: