Sitting back and reflecting can take your mood and mind in many directions. It can bring you to a place of great joy or great sorrow. Some memories can even bring you both places almost simultaneously. I have been spending lots of time reflecting recently. The most recent and heaviest of the reflections has yet to change. I fear it is and always be Jeffery. It always one way or another comes back to him. On one side I have great happiness and pride when I think about him, our childhood, our friendship, our bond. For so many years my boys were my main focus. As gotbachoff grew he needed me less, wanted me less. He was his own man. Jeff never seemed to have lost his need or desire for me to be around. Our relationship grew and developed into a very special and precious friendship. Though I was still the boss and did my best to keep him in line, or he let me I should say, we both needed that. We knew that no matter what we still had eachother. Reflecting on our friendship makes me smile and fills me with joy, unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. It also causes me great sadness. Just typing this my eyes begin to fill with tears. The great sorrow of his death hits me as strongly as the great joys of his life. Knowing that not again until the time designated by the Lord will we be together is almost heartbreaking. I trust in my God and know we will be together again, but seeing everyday and everything void of Jeffery at times feels bleak and empty. Countless times I day I go to send a text, make a call or think of visiting. I sit in wonder of what he’d think of how I am now, if what I am doing would give him pride, if our bond would still be as strong. All things left in the silent moments in my mind. It has been just days over a year since he chose to leave us. A year! Today I am stronger and braver than I was. I am not that broken trembling girl sitting and listening to everyone’s hurts, organizing, dealing, fixing. Today while at times I may feel broken, I know that I am not. I can do this, I have been doing this and I will continue to do this! God bless and happy reflecting.
Category Archives: Blog’s
My surgeon is very concerned by what is going in so she put me on an emergency list to see if I can get into surgery sooner rather than later. They have changed the date twice. I received a call today telling me my newest date is February.11! That is only increasing my stress and anxiety. I thought I had much more time to prepare my mind but I suppose not oh well I have to trust that this is all apart of Gods plans for me. That He is and will be with me, lifting my fear and anxiety off of me. Tomorrow I seen another specialist for something related. Please pray that the Lord works through them and that we may get past off these obstacles. God bless and have an amazing night!
For David. I wrote this quite some time ago and have not posted it. I was visiting with David today and it felt as though God needed him to hear/read it. This is an extremely personal piece, when I wrote this I was just coming out of a very dark period in my life. God bless all of you, have a God filled day!
Monster in me
I look in the mirror and all I see is you. You hide behind my eyes, laying dormant just waiting for your chance to strike. You find my fears and insecurities and feed on every one of them. You get bigger and stronger with each one. With every second guess. With every doubt. You are in your glory every time I let you win. With Him I am stronger than you! I can concur you. You are only as strong as I let you be. I am done with letting you take control of who I am and who I want to be. No longer will I allow you to hold me back, no longer will I allow you the satisfaction of seeing me weak and afraid. You will no longer be able to control my thoughts. I am His and He is mine. With Him you have no power!
This is something I wrote tonight for my big brother, he is in the hospital awaiting surgery to remove a quite large kidney stone. He also has a kidney infection, so he’s not feeling to hot. 😦 he has always protected me and guided me when I am facing different trials and tests along with his never ending support, regardless of how stupid I am being. He has such strength and wisdom it’s unbelievable. His passion for standing up for the underdog is absolutely astounding! He truly is a beautiful soul! May I ask that you join me in a prayer of healing for him please? May God continue to bless all of you! Thank you ever so much, Pen of the Sheep.
Always standing up before the test
Never backing down or taking a rest
You always stand strong in front the rest
The weak the strong
You do your best
To help those facing their own personal test
Now my big brother you stand before your own test
You always succeed, usually better than the rest
Stand firm and stand strong the way I know you can
The Lord will deliver you the way I know He can
Deliverance will come your way
Rest easy my big brother and it will go away
Troubles do come, but they never stay
This is because of your way
The way you alway stand and stay
Though trouble often looks like Goliath in a way
We all know that like David, you’ll slay them away
My dear big brother
You truly are like no other
Wearing your heart on your sleeve and your passion in your fists. Stay strong. The way we all know you are and slay these giants as you always have! I love you so very much! You are my protecter and my strength. God will lay His Almighty hand upon your body, mind and spirit to heal all that ails you. Put your faith in Him whom nothing is impossible, and you will be able to see what we already see in you!!
I pray that You lay Your Almighty healing hand upon my big brother Lord, be with him and let him know that all things are possible through You. Heal his body, his mind and his spirit Lord. Please work through the doctors and nurses that are attending to him right now. May You guide their hands according to Your merciful and healing will Lord. I ask that You grant him all that You are. I know that You alone can deliver him from all that ails him right now. I humbly pray this in Jesus name Amen, Amen
You have someone in your life that just blows you away! You just look at them, and you see all of the love and sacrifice they have for and done for you? Someone you know that no matter what the world throws at you they will stand before you. Taking it all for you, so that you don’t hurt. Not out of obligation but out of love, unrelenting, never judging, never ending, unconditional love. Someone who encourages you, even if the idea is ridiculous, naive and maybe even stupid. This person will never leave you, no matter what! Period! This person is the one that brings you peace in chaos, love in fear and humility in anger. This person is your everything! This person is a He. The Lord in heaven, Father of all! God bless you my beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ!
I would love to thank Plucking Of My Heartstrings for nominating me for the Versatile bloggers award. I met her during the April A to Z challenge and really began to enjoy her posts. Her way of writing is so real and honest. It is a breath of fresh air! I am excited to be nominated, and kinda want to win! Typically I am not a competitive person but with writing being my passion it would be nice to get a little validation I suppose. These are the the 15 blogs I absolutly love and am proud to nominate!
11) Spirituality INN
15) LSW Ministries
Now for the 7 things about me…..this stuff is so awkward…..oh well let’s give a shot and see what happens!
1) I am a cat person aka crazy cat lady =-D
2) I have 3 tattoo’s and 3 piercings.
3) I love Jesus Christ!
4) I love horror movies
5) People generally like me, not everyone but oh well…….
6) At the end of the day my family comes first
7) My favorite hobby is writing, but that may be a little obvious
Pshew! Now that that is over have a lovely day!