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On February. 26 I lost my brother to suspected suicide. I have been really struggling with the loss. It was suggested to me to write him letters to really express how I am feeling. So we shall see how it goes.

Dear Jeffrey Dec.26 2015

Well here we are. We survived Christmas, in a way I guess. We stayed strong for the most part, outwardly that is. I did break but only for a moment. Dad was really struggling. I hate seeing him hurt like this! I breaks my heart! The contrast from this year to last is like light and dark. Last year was amazing and everything I asked for! We finally had you back! You seemed happy, optimistic, stable even. I know you were still hurting. I understand that, but for that one day we had YOU. We had the boy I grew up with not the man who had the weight of the world oh his mind. For that one day you didn’t have to worry about all the things that hurt you. You were so strong! You ate all my muffins lol you destroyed the turkey while carving it. Yes I know I said you did a good job, but let’s be honest you tore that bird apart! You prayed over the meal with us. Made me watch that UFC pre fight documentary that you talked through explaining the drama better than they did. For that one day the world didn’t exist. We were kids again just hanging out. It was amazing! This year was the complete opposite. A dark cloud hung over us the entire day. While we tried to ignore the pain, pretend even for one day it didn’t exist, we just couldn’t. We tried not talking about you, but you came up often. I tried not to cry, but did. The world seems to have changed. All in such a short period of time. Ten months. Ten months have passed since you chose to leave us. Chose for your pain to end. Not only the world has changed. The family has too. I keep making the remark that the family died with you. This year it was just dad and I. We were completely alone, but that’s okay. He and I were the closest to you, so it seems fitting. It feels like so many have moved on. Moved past you. I can’t and won’t! Never! I fear if I let go of my pain I will forget you. Or lose you. All I have now is the pain you caused, but if that is all I have of you I will take it! I know it is probably stupid and you’re likely calling me an idiot as you have many times, but I don’t know what to say. A quick side note, at your wake so often when people were talking about you, or telling stories, nearly everyone would refer to you  calling them an idiot the unique way you would say it. I am lost. I am trying to find my path, my purpose even. I want to be okay. I want to not hurt so bad. I want to be free of my mind. Free of the demons within it. I do have amazing people trying to help me. One specific person (aside from dad) and they do lift me when I am down. When I let them in. I fear letting people in. I feel like if I let them in they can hurt me. If I push them away they can’t leave me like you did. They can’t hurt me like you did. So I keep disappearing, hiding from them. I am struggling with being angry with you. While yes I am sad and miss you I am also so mad that you did what you did. That you couldn’t keep fighting, you were way to strong to just give up. That you couldn’t even say goodbye! I know I’ve said these things before, and will likely keep saying it until those feelings dissipate. Though I don’t find it likely they will. I lived for you, I fought for you. I did everything in my power to fix you! You made me a failure! You made a choice that I will forever suffer the consequences for. You left me! You abandoned me! I wasn’t good enough for you. I wasn’t good enough to live for. I know you were in pain. I know she broke you among other things. But why wasn’t I enough Jeffery? What else could I have done? How could I have made things different? These questions are what haunt my nightmares. Speaking of nightmares, please make them stop. I don’t want to see you that way every single night! I just need peace. Sorry I’ve gone way off track. Anyways while this year was probably the worst Christmas of my life I must be greatful for dad. He is so strong. He is trying so hard. Please be with him. Let him know you have found peace. Okay well I’ve whined and griped enough for now. I pray you found the peace you so desperately wanted Jeffery. That God has given you peace in your heart and mind. I love you so much more than words can say. Keep watching over us Jeffery.
Love always
Bilbo

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Posted by on December 27, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery Dec.3 2015

It’s been a while since I last wrote you and posted it. I am not sure why I am choosing this one to post, but here we are.  It’s that time of year again, where families gather together to celebrate the birth of Christ and to be together with the ones we love sharing and celebrating the virgin birth. It is bitter sweet for a couple of us this year, I’m yet to find the sweet part but yeah. Though dad was the one who brought me to my faith. I don’t know where I’d be had you not found the Lord and got the conversation started. I honestly don’t know that I would have been saved. So thank you. I remember back when you were first saved, it feels like a life time ago now. I was so annoyed! Jealous even. I didn’t understand what you were so excited about. What you guys were talking about. I felt left out. I felt lonely. Well you know the rest of the story. It feels strange celebrating His birth and you not being here. Is that stupid? Maybe to say it doesn’t feel complete is a better way of putting it. So much has changed in the family since you left us. Some relationships have gotten so much better and some so much worse. Much much worse, if that is even possible. This year has been so screwed up Jeffery! It all started with losing you! Everything is different. Everything has changed. I hate it! I see everyone and the world so much differently. Once again you know how much I don’t use that word, how I despise that word, but I do hate it. Last year was amazing! Well I should say last Christmas was amazing, it was everything I could have ever wanted. It wasn’t because of the gifts or the meal. It was you that made it so perfect. You were so much more than we ever could have asked for. We finally had you back! I know it should bring me joy to think about it, but it doesn’t. It makes me sad. Angry. Hopeless. Just knowing I will never have that again. I will never have you again, well not until we are united in heaven that is. Never again will I have the perfect Christmas. Perfect life (not that life is ever perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but much less so). By perfect life I mean complete, no missing pieces. Never again will we sit and enjoy one another’s company. Never again will we have to joy of breaking bread together. Never again will you challenge my beliefs, to better my convictions. I was going to say never again will you challenge my faith, but you have done that with a single decision, a single act. You have challenged my faith far more than I ever expected it to be challenged. My knees may be weak, but my faith is still strong. Perhaps that is why this all happened? Was I getting weak, lazy and complacent in my faith? I know it is selfish to think that any if this is about me or for me. I know you were sick, and made that decision while not being of a sound mind. I know that. That can’t be all though! That can’t be the only reason. There had to be some good behind it. In all of this pain and anger, there has got to be some kind of positive reasoning. I am trying so freaking hard to see any kind of light and understand all of this. You know me, I always need answers and reasons. Things don’t “just” happen, that’s not the way the world works. The way God works. I am trying so hard Jeffery. I am not finding answers. I am not finding anything but pain around every corner. I try to make myself believe positive things, like the things I’ve just said. In reality I don’t believe any of it. I want to, but I just don’t. I want to be okay, but I’m not. I want answers, but can’t have them. I want so much, yet I can’t have it. Maybe that’s my issue. Maybe that’s why I can’t heal. I am too focused on wanting so much. So much so that I am ungrateful for what I do have. I am blinded by selfish desires. My pain often blinds me from seeing the good things. The blessings. I am grateful for the family and friends I do have left. The others well maybe in time those relationships can be repaired. Who knows, I can’t focus on those right now. It can only bring me farther down. I know I need to focus on what I do have, and the blessings I have been given. It all just doesn’t feel right without you. It’s as though myself and or even all of us are incomplete without you. There are a few of us who you can see that the light has dimmed in our souls since you left. You are the missing piece. After we first lost you the whole family was one, I mean everyone Jeffery. It was beautiful. You brought us all together. Then like all things, it didn’t last. One by one people left, stopped talking, or went back to their old ways of treating us (you know who us is) as though we are beneath them, or that we simply don’t exist. Of course there are those who want to pretend you and them had more than you did, whatever, if it helps them sleep at night who cares. I must admit I did get a chuckle at their expense. The right people know the truth. I have gone off track it seems. What I am trying to say is I don’t know how to celebrate Christmas this year. What do I do? Carry on as though nothing happened? Pretend I am not broken inside? Yes in my own way I will celebrate the birth of Christ this year. Nothing on heaven or earth could ever change that. It won’t be the same as I have every other year, but I will all the same. It’s the rest of it that I am struggling with, and it pains me. It makes me cry alone, all the time. It has broken me. It has destroyed me. Robbed me of who and what I am. Whatever I am being long winded again. Please just be with me, guide me, help me see the end of this suffering, pain, emptiness, hopelessness, sadness, mourning. Not just me but all of us. I don’t want to mourn you forever Jeffery. I wish you could meet the wonderful people I have met. They have shown me not everyone in this world is just worried about themselves. They are truly amazing! The kind of people that will lend a shoulder when you are weak and make you smile and laugh whenever they can. Perhaps you sent them to me. To offer the love and support you no longer can. Who knows. Either way they are amazing! Well crap it seems I’ve detoured again. I love you endlessly Jeffery!!! You were the beginning, middle and end of me. Please give me strength and hope so that I may have a future, even though it means a future without you. Give God and Jesus a big hug for me and thank them for welcoming you home with arms wide open! Despite what it’s done to me and everyone else I truly am glad your pain and suffering is gone. Rest well my dear big brother.
Love always and forever
Bilbo xoxoxo

 
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Posted by on December 4, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery: May.18

What have you done to me???? I don’t even know who or what I am! When I look in the mirror there is something missing. We have most of your stuff now. It is a constant in my face reminder that you are gone! Reduced to stuff!! This is ridiculous! I don’t understand you! Now I will never be given the chance to! I am sensoring myself so much right now. I am sitting here bawling because of you and I just want to scream and cuss and swear! I hate this! This disgusting emptiness I feel. Who am I without you???? WHO? Please tell me because I don’t know!! I just don’t! I am so far beyond over this! What have you done???? I can’t, I just can’t Jeffery!! I am broken! I keep praying for this to go away and yet here I am once again!! I gotta go.
Love alway
Bilbo
PS. Yes I am mad but I will alway, ALWAYS love you! I always have!!! Even when you felt unlovable.

 
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Posted by on May 18, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery: May.1

Hi Jeffery. I pray you are having a blast up there with God and all the angels! We have decided to dedicate thunder to you! So every time we hear hear it we think of you! Not that we need a reminder I suppose, but you know what I mean :). I have had a good week this week. I kinda feel bad for not feeling sad and down all the time. Especially in the quiet alone times. Is that weird? I know it sounds stupid but I feel guilty for being happy in a way. Like of course I am sad that you not here, and when I think about you being gone. This week though when you come up in conversation it is usually a happy memory or happy thoughts about you. When I am alone I am learning to seek comfort in knowing you are finally healed. Free of all the pain and demons of your mental illness. I haven’t come to accept you with your mental illness, but you and your mental illness separately. It’s really hard to explain. I am having a hard time seeing any kind of weakness in you. Not that having mental illness makes you weak in any way. You are still mighty! The weakness comes from your end. You fought so hard the last 7 months. Harder than most would given all that had happened in such a short time. I know it probably sounds silly, but when I listen to my favorite song of yours. It’s as though you are apologizing to me for taking yourself away from me. I know that’s not the case. I know it’s an apology to Christ. Given the circumstances it get comfort from it. I am worried if I stop crying for you or being sad about you that is when I could forget about you. My mind knows that’s not possible but my heart is afraid. All of these new feeling scare the crap out of me Jeffery! Again this is when I would normally turn to you, but I can’t do that now, now can I? I am still writing like you wanted. It’s not very good but I am still doing it. I am not doing it for me because my heart is not it right now. If I had it my way I would just quit for a while, just long enough for my heart to heal a bit more. You know? I won’t though, for two reasons. One, it is my passion and two I want to write for you! I don’t want to quit my passion because I am sad. The content sucks sure, but I am working through my pain with it. Until next time my dear brother. I love you and miss you always!
Love always
Bilbo

 
 

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Dear Jeffery: April.22

Soooo what if I just don’t go Saturday? I don’t know what to do. I know I need to be there but at the same time I am dreading it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my mood again. Once again you were the topic of discussion last night. As it usually does the conversation went in a direction that made me angry. Like that’s any surprise. I remember when I was happy and safe all the time. That was nearly two months ago. Sure I do have moments when I am happy now, but it’s incomplete. I can’t stand putting on that stupid fake smiley face for the world everyday. Our parents know I am sure. They make small comments never pushing and you can see in their eyes that I am not tricking them. I try my darnedest though. I am trying to be better than this. I am trying to be what they need from me. They let me think I have succeeded for the most part. Why would you take that happiness from me? We keep going over various scenarios on cause, reason, deliberate or not. As you know my big issue is why you didn’t call me. Why you didn’t text me. Just why?? We talk like maybe you didn’t do it on purpose. You accidentally took to much of this, or you mixed it with that. Or if it was all the above compounded with you being sick before you came back. I want to believe any one of those things were why you didn’t call or text. The problem is what your actions were leading up to it. What people are telling me about you attitude and state of mind. I shouldn’t have had to of heard that stuff from other people!!! I should have known first hand!!! You should have talked to me. Just said hi or anything! I feel like I know how you feel about me. At the same time while everyone is saying all the same things as I think, that they are lying to me. To make me feel better or important in some way I don’t know! At the same time again, in a way I do believe it because they deal with me with kid gloves much the way you did. That makes me think it’s true. The only missing thing is that you said at least one thing to everyone but me! I said I wanted a punching bag yesterday lol it would beat breaking my hand once again! No? Of course I am going on Saturday, I just need you and God to be with me and guide me. Give me strength and protect me and my broken heart! As always I love you and miss you.
Love alway
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.16

Hey! I pray you are resting well in Gods arms right now. So as you know the show is next weekend. I am going to go! :/ I am not to sure how I feel about it though. For two reasons. One look at me!!! I will stick out like a sore thumb! I have been told I will have a safe place to hide though :). Mom actually asked if D would be upset if she jumped onstage to take pictures like she did at your show! Haha gotta love that woman! I told her no! We’ll see if she actually listens. Two is I am scared of how I am going to feel afterwards. We seen E and talked to M yesterday and it was hard. Afterwards I felt so sad. I felt your loss so much greater. Again it sucks! Dad on the other side was just beeming! That made me happy to see though. Now my concern is that it’s going to be like the memorial, everyone coming over telling me stories about you. How great you are, how they wouldn’t be who they are today if it weren’t for you. How you changed their life. How you were their best friend. While I absolutely love hearing this stuff, I too can say the same things. The pain is so deep already. Hearing this again from hundreds more people is going to be hard. Let alone the show is dedicated to you, about you, and for you! You are already in everything I see, hear, feel and think. How many more nights do I have to cry? I say nights like that’s the only time I cry. I suppose it would be easier to just say how much more do I have to cry? I am tired of when I am alone crying! Everyone keeps saying don’t cry alone, come get me, call me, talk to me. I feel like they have their own issues with your loss. I don’t want to weigh them down with mine too! Normally I would haved called or texted you! Can’t do that now! I don’t know Jeffery I am just tired. I love you and miss you so very much.
Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.13

Hi Jeffery! So I was thinking about you today, once again….I say that as if a day or even minute goes by that I don’t think about you. I don’t feel consumed by anger today. Just sad and lost. It is so hard to see the pain in mom and dads faces. Just by looking at them you can tell they are thinking about you. There is a sadness that glazes over their eyes. It is heart breaking Jeffery! I don’t know how to help them. I can’t even help myself! Whatever anyways….this is something I wrote. I don’t know if it’s for you or for me. It just is I guess. As you know I won the dummy award, it was doing that, that got me to write this so I can’t really complain about the pain. It was a nice but all to brief break from my emotional pain though. So from physical pain to emotion pain here it is.

Broken hand
Broken heart
Now I know not where to start

Once I walked protected
Now I walk alone
Imprisoned by tears and fears

David is gone
While Goliath stands on
Towering over me
Taking me
Breaking me
Right now he has his stake in me

I can hear David
Hear his voice
Telling me to stand
To fight
It’s what’s right

I cry
I can’t
I wont
Please don’t

My ears are plugged
Plugged with pain and hate
I am to weak to fight
I can’t bare your sling and stone
They are to mighty for my shaking hands

Broken hand
Broken heart
I know not where to start

Starting over
Turning over
David’s pain is finally over

So there it is. I don’t know where to go from here. Where do I start? Like really though? I just don’t know. I am sick and tired of crying and feeling this black hole of pain. It sucks! There is no better way of putting it, that is without using very colorful language. I listen to your voice in your songs and it just make me miss you more, and yet I can’t stop listening. It’s all I have in this physical world of you to hold onto. It makes me want to hear you call just to say you love me. I treasured those calls and texts! It seemed we were so connected. If I was having a bad day it was like you just knew. Those are the times you’d just send a “I love you” or “I miss you”, even when you had no idea how my day was going. Just sitting here writing about it makes me cry. When will the tears stop? The pain? I am over it! I feel like I don’t have the strength to do this. To deal with it. I keep praying for strength. Praying that God will take this pain from not only me but everyone. You have no idea the impact you made in this world! You are getting shout outs everywhere! I’d love to know what you think of dads tattoos! They are for you! He misses you so much Jeffery! Come to him and let him know you are ok! His heart is broken in two. He needs to know you are ok and with the Lord. Mama too!  We called the medical examiner to see if we could get any answers yet and still nothing! I don’t know……..I love you, I miss you. We all love you and we all miss you. You know they are dedicating an entire show to you? Pretty awesome huh? I am actually going! I may hide in the back out of fear……..but I will be there! OK I can’t stop crying again so I shall stop writing for now. I love you and miss you more than you could know!

Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery, Poetry

 

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