Sitting back and reflecting can take your mood and mind in many directions. It can bring you to a place of great joy or great sorrow. Some memories can even bring you both places almost simultaneously. I have been spending lots of time reflecting recently. The most recent and heaviest of the reflections has yet to change. I fear it is and always be Jeffery. It always one way or another comes back to him. On one side I have great happiness and pride when I think about him, our childhood, our friendship, our bond. For so many years my boys were my main focus. As gotbachoff grew he needed me less, wanted me less. He was his own man. Jeff never seemed to have lost his need or desire for me to be around. Our relationship grew and developed into a very special and precious friendship. Though I was still the boss and did my best to keep him in line, or he let me I should say, we both needed that. We knew that no matter what we still had eachother. Reflecting on our friendship makes me smile and fills me with joy, unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. It also causes me great sadness. Just typing this my eyes begin to fill with tears. The great sorrow of his death hits me as strongly as the great joys of his life. Knowing that not again until the time designated by the Lord will we be together is almost heartbreaking. I trust in my God and know we will be together again, but seeing everyday and everything void of Jeffery at times feels bleak and empty. Countless times I day I go to send a text, make a call or think of visiting. I sit in wonder of what he’d think of how I am now, if what I am doing would give him pride, if our bond would still be as strong. All things left in the silent moments in my mind. It has been just days over a year since he chose to leave us. A year! Today I am stronger and braver than I was. I am not that broken trembling girl sitting and listening to everyone’s hurts, organizing, dealing, fixing. Today while at times I may feel broken, I know that I am not. I can do this, I have been doing this and I will continue to do this! God bless and happy reflecting.
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