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Reflections

Sitting back and reflecting can take your mood and mind in many directions. It can bring you to a place of great joy or great sorrow. Some memories can even bring you both places almost simultaneously. I have been spending lots of time reflecting recently. The most recent and heaviest of the reflections has yet to change. I fear it is and always be Jeffery. It always one way or another comes back to him. On one side I have great happiness and pride when I think about him, our childhood, our friendship, our bond. For so many years my boys were my main focus. As gotbachoff grew he needed me less, wanted me less. He was his own man. Jeff never seemed to have lost his need or desire for me to be around. Our relationship grew and developed into a very special and precious friendship. Though I was still the boss and did my best to keep him in line, or he let me I should say, we both needed that. We knew that no matter what we still had eachother. Reflecting on our friendship makes me smile and fills me with joy, unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. It also causes me great sadness. Just typing this my eyes begin to fill with tears. The great sorrow of his death hits me as strongly as the great joys of his life. Knowing that not again until the time designated by the Lord will we be together is almost heartbreaking. I trust in my God and know we will be together again, but seeing everyday and everything void of Jeffery at times feels bleak and empty. Countless times I day I go to send a text, make a call or think of visiting. I sit in wonder of what he’d think of how I am now, if what I am doing would give him pride, if  our bond would still be as strong. All things left in the silent moments in my mind. It has been just days over a year since he chose to leave us. A year! Today I am stronger and braver than I was. I am not that broken trembling girl sitting and listening to everyone’s hurts, organizing, dealing, fixing. Today while at times I may feel broken, I know that I am not. I can do this, I have been doing this and I will continue to do this! God bless and happy reflecting.

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2016 in Blog's, Uncategorized

 

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Update

My surgeon is very concerned by what is going in so she put me on an emergency list to see if I can get into surgery sooner rather than later. They have changed the date twice. I received a call today telling me my newest date is February.11! That is only increasing my stress and anxiety. I thought I had much more time to prepare my mind but I suppose not :/ oh well I have to trust that this is all apart of Gods plans for me. That He is and will be with me, lifting my fear and anxiety off of me. Tomorrow I seen another specialist for something related. Please pray that the Lord works through them and that we may get past off these obstacles. God bless and have an amazing night!

 
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Posted by on January 25, 2016 in Blog's, Uncategorized

 

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Here we go again!

So begins the adventure with my stomach once again. For those who don’t know. I have severe endometriosis, have had it since I was 13. I have had three surgery’s to try to clean out as much as they can and finally three years ago I had a partial hysterectomy. Leaving behind just my ovaries. Within a week of the hysterectomy I had complications and have been having them since. After many emergency room visits and 28 months on a waiting list I finally seen my surgeon again yesterday. It appears that there is a new complication, one we hadn’t expected. So on March.10 this year I will go under the knife once again, this time to have my left ovary removed. I am praying that this will be the last time. Though if all these years have taught me anything it is to not expect this to be the last. I am putting my faith in God, that He will give me relief from this pain. Even if it’s only for a while. Something is better than nothing. It is so easy to get frustrated and upset when things seem to continually go wrong. To get angry even at times. But I need to remember that while the bad does outshine the good quite often there is still good. Good things can and do happen. Regardless of how minor they seem. That is my plan. To stay focused on the good, on the positive things that are happening and can come from all of this. I don’t know His plan. What I do know is if I waste my time being miserable and feeling sorry for myself I may miss a great opportunity. Whether it be for me or to help someone who is suffering as I have and am. Over the years I have learned that sometimes God puts people in your life when you least expect it, in unlikely places and for reasons you wouldn’t expect. So fight on I will and see where this ride takes me once again. I don’t ask for pity or sympathy, just encouragement and prayers. Also on a side note I am trying to get back into the swing of writing regularly again, but we shall see what adventure each day brings. Until next time God bless you and have an amazing God filled evening!

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Good riddance!!!

I have never been so glad to see a year pass. 2015 was without a question the worst year of my life. I am trying to look to the year ahead with optimism and hope, but I seem to have fallen short on both. I don’t know what the year ahead will bring but with this past year it can only get better. Right? I guess we will see. 2015 robbed the world of an amazing man. He left us suddenly very early in the year. It has been ten months yet the pain feels like it was just yesterday. We suffered many different kinds of losses in 2015 but he was by far the greatest loss. I am at a loss of words. I am not sure quite how to describe what my life looks like today without him and all the other losses. I just pray the year ahead is filled with peace, love and renewal. That we may overcome the pain of 2015. Happy new year to all of you! I pray the new year brings only good things for you and your families! God bless!!

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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I am sorry

I have been absent for some time now and just this past few days have I had any desire to put the pen to paper. Since losing Jeff I have lost my will and desire to write. It was a passion both he and I shared. He was my biggest cheerleader! Now, though I still have love and support around me I just can’t. When I do as you have seen it is quite depressing. I am trying, not hard enough I am sure. It’s as though I’ve put cotton balls of anger in my ears and I just cannot hear the Lord. I know this is my own doing but am unable or unwilling to take them out right now. I don’t know what I need or what I want even. I just known, as it was put to me recently, this anger is a black hole. It keeps sucking me in deeper and deeper into a very dark lonely place. I don’t even know what I am angry about honestly, or who I am angry with even. I am just mad. Mad at everything and nothing! I am not mad at God though, this I am pretty sure of. He doesn’t control the will of man, so I cannot blame Him for the choices that were made. I pray that he softens my heart and removes this anger from me. I know He won’t interfere with my free will, but I pray that through softening my heart I am able to let it go! I don’t know, I apologize. I figured I owed an apology for my recent absence. Please just pray for me and my broken heart. Hearts aren’t like bones. You can’t just put a cast on it and six weeks your mended. Sorry again. God bless and thank you for reading my senseless ramblings!

 
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Posted by on July 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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No happy mothers day :(

I don’t like mothers day! I love my mama and all who are mothers, don’t get me wrong. Personally for me it sucks! It makes me think to much which makes me sad. Just over 2 years ago I had a full hysterectomy. When I was 18 my surgeon told me I couldn’t have children. I had sevier endometryosis. I never wanted children, though when the choice was taken away from me it devastated me! I am much better with it than I was 15 or so years ago, but definitely not completely at peace with it. Obviously, I suppose. I think that mothers day is a great opportunity to share with our moms how much they mean to us. To recognize all that they do for us. It does hurt me to know that I won’t ever have a mothers day. Love and respect you mom and thank her for choosing to give you life! God bless all of the mama’s out there!

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Prayer request!

Hey everyone sorry I’ve been absent the past couple weeks! Life has been a little sticky and stinky lately. Please pray for my mama! She goes in for surgery this morning and with her health issues she is at a bit of a risk. Thank you and God bless you!! I will have my fellowship Friday actually done this week! 🙂 God bless and thank you again!

Lord I pray that you lay your healing hand upon mama. Guide and work through the hands of those who will be operating on her today. Please give us and her great strength and healing. I pray this on Jesus name.
Amen, Amen

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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