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Here we go again!

So begins the adventure with my stomach once again. For those who don’t know. I have severe endometriosis, have had it since I was 13. I have had three surgery’s to try to clean out as much as they can and finally three years ago I had a partial hysterectomy. Leaving behind just my ovaries. Within a week of the hysterectomy I had complications and have been having them since. After many emergency room visits and 28 months on a waiting list I finally seen my surgeon again yesterday. It appears that there is a new complication, one we hadn’t expected. So on March.10 this year I will go under the knife once again, this time to have my left ovary removed. I am praying that this will be the last time. Though if all these years have taught me anything it is to not expect this to be the last. I am putting my faith in God, that He will give me relief from this pain. Even if it’s only for a while. Something is better than nothing. It is so easy to get frustrated and upset when things seem to continually go wrong. To get angry even at times. But I need to remember that while the bad does outshine the good quite often there is still good. Good things can and do happen. Regardless of how minor they seem. That is my plan. To stay focused on the good, on the positive things that are happening and can come from all of this. I don’t know His plan. What I do know is if I waste my time being miserable and feeling sorry for myself I may miss a great opportunity. Whether it be for me or to help someone who is suffering as I have and am. Over the years I have learned that sometimes God puts people in your life when you least expect it, in unlikely places and for reasons you wouldn’t expect. So fight on I will and see where this ride takes me once again. I don’t ask for pity or sympathy, just encouragement and prayers. Also on a side note I am trying to get back into the swing of writing regularly again, but we shall see what adventure each day brings. Until next time God bless you and have an amazing God filled evening!

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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No happy mothers day :(

I don’t like mothers day! I love my mama and all who are mothers, don’t get me wrong. Personally for me it sucks! It makes me think to much which makes me sad. Just over 2 years ago I had a full hysterectomy. When I was 18 my surgeon told me I couldn’t have children. I had sevier endometryosis. I never wanted children, though when the choice was taken away from me it devastated me! I am much better with it than I was 15 or so years ago, but definitely not completely at peace with it. Obviously, I suppose. I think that mothers day is a great opportunity to share with our moms how much they mean to us. To recognize all that they do for us. It does hurt me to know that I won’t ever have a mothers day. Love and respect you mom and thank her for choosing to give you life! God bless all of the mama’s out there!

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Happy mother’s day!

Happy mother’s day to all of my beautiful sisters! When I am saying this I am not only speaking about those of you who have children, by birth, fostering or adoption. I am speaking to all women! All who have impacted a child’s life in any way. This is my first mother’s day since my hysterectomy and it’s funny, I have known for over 10 years I couldn’t have children but this year is somehow different. It actually hurts a little, I never wanted kid’s, but it’s like now that it’s definite that I can’t it’s somehow different. Makes no sense to me, but oh well. Even though I can’t bare a child I still have nieces and nephews who love me and I have the opportunity to impact them in someway. I don’t know what God has in store for me. I do know that being a mother doesn’t define me, no ma’am! I taught Sunday school for years, hopefully I had an impact there. I have my babies (niece’s and nephews) I am not incomplete! I am full! God bless all of you and have a blessed and beautiful mothers day! Happy mother’s day to all the women in my life, duder you are an amazing mom to my babies! Spiff you too! Love all of you!

PS
I love you mama! You are the most amazing woman in the world! You are such a source of strength and encouragement. I love you so much. I thank God that He has blessed me with you!! Thank you for being my best friend no matter what I do or who I choose to be! May the Lord grant you all that He is! Love you God bless you!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥ 😛

 
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Posted by on May 11, 2014 in Blog's

 

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I am over this!

I am so upset and frustrated!!!! I don’t understand why God would dangle healing in front of me just to pull the rug out from under me. I know He isn’t the one doing it, I just don’t understand it. I had a partial hysterectomy (everything but the ovaries) in September 2013. I thought I got my life back, I thought I was healed, I thought the pain was gone forever, I thought I’d never have to see narcotics again, I thought I’d never see birth control again. Of course, I thought wrong, on all accounts! That just goes to figure! This is just how my life goes, something good happens then poof! Everything unravels. This is so incredibly frustrating! The pain started well over a month ago. I got maybe 6 months, maybe, without pain after the surgery. We were hoping it was just my appendix, I know it sounds silly to hope for that, but the alternative (endometriosis) is far worse than a quick surgery and that’s it, no more pain. Now I am faced with who knows how long of pretty bad pain and stupid blankety blank pain pills. Which means my mind will be clouded so I won’t be able to write anything good. I know God has a plan for me I just wish I knew what it was or even to know that the pain will end soon, and not when I am dead. There is no light at the end if this miserable dark tunnel right now. I don’t even know. I am trying so hard to see any glimmer of hope in this, but I am coming up short. I am not trying to be depressing or grumpy I just needed to vent. Please pray that The Lord sees fit to lay His healing hand upon my body and mind. I don’t like being angry with Him. He has blessed me and everyone around me so much but it’s hard to see right now through the pain and anger. On a higher note I can go back to work today, only for a couple of hours and with the cane….but at least I can do something other than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. The pain and grumpyness is why I have been away for the last week sorry 😦 . God bless you and have a God filled day!

 
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Posted by on May 7, 2014 in Blog's

 

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Empty

So as some of you may know I had a hysterectomy in September of 2013. I had severe endometriosis, the hysterectomy was the best and healthiest option for me. I begged doctors for years for it but God seen it fit for me to have it then. I received healing and my life because of this surgery. I would never go back on the decision! At the same time there pops up moments of sadness, not due to regret so much. I am not really sure what they are, typically I just cry and feel confused! I remember the first time it happened after the surgery we were all hanging out talking about kids and I said if I ever have a kid… it was like a punch in the face! I will never bare a child. Never. I never wanted children, it is just that the choice was taken from me I guess. It has happened a few times since. I am okay with it because I received a gift from God that everyone prays for, healing! It happened again tonight. I was going to start reading ‘further still’ by Beth Moore again. I read it first about 9 years ago, I received it as a gift for my baptism. The second poem in it is called Lullaby, since the first time I read it I wanted to read it to my future child should God grant me with the desire to have a child. It is very beautiful! So I picked up the book and reached this poem and my eyes immediately filled with tears, just by reading the title. I had to put it down. I struggle to understand these tears. For once I am so sure of how I feel about something and out of nowhere I am crying and sad while rational. I don’t really know how to describe it correctly. I am eternally grateful for my healing but feel a whole. People say ‘oh well you can adopt’, while they are well meaning I find it frustrating, I don’t want children, didn’t want children all I wanted was the choice on the matter. I don’t even know why I am writing this honestly. Sorry for my pointless ramblings! Here is the poem I was talking about. Excuse my while I go cry now :-/ God bless you! Have a God filled day!

 

Lullaby

Hush, little baby, Daddy’s got a Word

No eye has seen, no ear has heard.

Dream sweet dreams but you can’t dream this

Plans your weaver weaves for bless.

 

Hush, little baby, don’t you cry

Daddy fixes all things by and by.

Cease your striving, rest your eyes

You’re my joy and you’re my prize.

 

Sleep, little baby, I’ll stay awake

If skies should fall and mountains quake.

You’ll be safe in Daddy’s arms

Wrapped in blankets, robbed from harms.

 

Hush, little baby, I will sing

While angels dance and ’round you ring.

If I should come before you wake

Your eyes will open to Daddy’s face.

 

So hush little baby, trust me now

Thrones and powers to me bow

I tell oceans what to do

I think Daddy can take car of you.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in Blog's

 

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