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Reflections

Sitting back and reflecting can take your mood and mind in many directions. It can bring you to a place of great joy or great sorrow. Some memories can even bring you both places almost simultaneously. I have been spending lots of time reflecting recently. The most recent and heaviest of the reflections has yet to change. I fear it is and always be Jeffery. It always one way or another comes back to him. On one side I have great happiness and pride when I think about him, our childhood, our friendship, our bond. For so many years my boys were my main focus. As gotbachoff grew he needed me less, wanted me less. He was his own man. Jeff never seemed to have lost his need or desire for me to be around. Our relationship grew and developed into a very special and precious friendship. Though I was still the boss and did my best to keep him in line, or he let me I should say, we both needed that. We knew that no matter what we still had eachother. Reflecting on our friendship makes me smile and fills me with joy, unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. It also causes me great sadness. Just typing this my eyes begin to fill with tears. The great sorrow of his death hits me as strongly as the great joys of his life. Knowing that not again until the time designated by the Lord will we be together is almost heartbreaking. I trust in my God and know we will be together again, but seeing everyday and everything void of Jeffery at times feels bleak and empty. Countless times I day I go to send a text, make a call or think of visiting. I sit in wonder of what he’d think of how I am now, if what I am doing would give him pride, if  our bond would still be as strong. All things left in the silent moments in my mind. It has been just days over a year since he chose to leave us. A year! Today I am stronger and braver than I was. I am not that broken trembling girl sitting and listening to everyone’s hurts, organizing, dealing, fixing. Today while at times I may feel broken, I know that I am not. I can do this, I have been doing this and I will continue to do this! God bless and happy reflecting.

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2016 in Blog's, Uncategorized

 

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Here we go again!

So begins the adventure with my stomach once again. For those who don’t know. I have severe endometriosis, have had it since I was 13. I have had three surgery’s to try to clean out as much as they can and finally three years ago I had a partial hysterectomy. Leaving behind just my ovaries. Within a week of the hysterectomy I had complications and have been having them since. After many emergency room visits and 28 months on a waiting list I finally seen my surgeon again yesterday. It appears that there is a new complication, one we hadn’t expected. So on March.10 this year I will go under the knife once again, this time to have my left ovary removed. I am praying that this will be the last time. Though if all these years have taught me anything it is to not expect this to be the last. I am putting my faith in God, that He will give me relief from this pain. Even if it’s only for a while. Something is better than nothing. It is so easy to get frustrated and upset when things seem to continually go wrong. To get angry even at times. But I need to remember that while the bad does outshine the good quite often there is still good. Good things can and do happen. Regardless of how minor they seem. That is my plan. To stay focused on the good, on the positive things that are happening and can come from all of this. I don’t know His plan. What I do know is if I waste my time being miserable and feeling sorry for myself I may miss a great opportunity. Whether it be for me or to help someone who is suffering as I have and am. Over the years I have learned that sometimes God puts people in your life when you least expect it, in unlikely places and for reasons you wouldn’t expect. So fight on I will and see where this ride takes me once again. I don’t ask for pity or sympathy, just encouragement and prayers. Also on a side note I am trying to get back into the swing of writing regularly again, but we shall see what adventure each day brings. Until next time God bless you and have an amazing God filled evening!

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Psalm 13 in my eyes

How long will this go on Abba? Does this pain have no end? Will I be forced to go on like this forever? How much longer will You keep Your back to me? Why must you hide Yourself from me? Your face? Your love? How much longer do I have to figure this out on my own? For how long will I have to seek advice from within? I don’t know the answers! All the while my heart is broken. I feel the hole of pain and brokenness. I carry it with me all through the day. The pain follows me everywhere I go. A heave yolk has been placed upon me. My advisories stand above me. Looking upon my vulnerability. How long will You allow them to have this power over me? The upper hand? Make Your judgment and answer me God! I must I sit in wait? Hear me oh Lord! Let me understand all of this. Grant me clarity in all of this! My thoughts and heart are wasting away into nothingness. This death has overcome me. Let me not die this death every dawn. While my for stand above me. Looking down upon my weakness. Watching me shake in fear of this never ending pain. I trust my my Lord my God. I know of Your lovingkindness. My heart races at the thought of Your salvation. I rejoices in this will end, because of Your never ending grace and love. You will save me! I will praise You all the days I am upon this land. You oh Lord my God have blesses me so. The gifts of Your love makes me sing a joyous song.

 
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Posted by on August 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Trials

Doubt
Fear
Shame

You make me doubt my place with the Lord
You make me doubt He could love me
You stop me with doubt from doing that in which I am called

You give me such fear of my salvation
You make me fear the Lords wrath
You cause me fear and stop me in my tracks

You cause me to be ashamed of who I am
You cause me to feel shame in my actions
You cause me to be ashamed to call myself a Christian

Love
Strength
Courage

You can’t take the love of my Lord
You can’t change the way He loves me
You can’t change that He loves me the way He made me

He gives me strength in all I do
He carries me through all
He gives me the ability to be who I am

He grants me courage to stand without you
He gives me courage to face my fears
He gives me courage to be who I am

 
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Posted by on July 19, 2015 in Poetry

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.22

Soooo what if I just don’t go Saturday? I don’t know what to do. I know I need to be there but at the same time I am dreading it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my mood again. Once again you were the topic of discussion last night. As it usually does the conversation went in a direction that made me angry. Like that’s any surprise. I remember when I was happy and safe all the time. That was nearly two months ago. Sure I do have moments when I am happy now, but it’s incomplete. I can’t stand putting on that stupid fake smiley face for the world everyday. Our parents know I am sure. They make small comments never pushing and you can see in their eyes that I am not tricking them. I try my darnedest though. I am trying to be better than this. I am trying to be what they need from me. They let me think I have succeeded for the most part. Why would you take that happiness from me? We keep going over various scenarios on cause, reason, deliberate or not. As you know my big issue is why you didn’t call me. Why you didn’t text me. Just why?? We talk like maybe you didn’t do it on purpose. You accidentally took to much of this, or you mixed it with that. Or if it was all the above compounded with you being sick before you came back. I want to believe any one of those things were why you didn’t call or text. The problem is what your actions were leading up to it. What people are telling me about you attitude and state of mind. I shouldn’t have had to of heard that stuff from other people!!! I should have known first hand!!! You should have talked to me. Just said hi or anything! I feel like I know how you feel about me. At the same time while everyone is saying all the same things as I think, that they are lying to me. To make me feel better or important in some way I don’t know! At the same time again, in a way I do believe it because they deal with me with kid gloves much the way you did. That makes me think it’s true. The only missing thing is that you said at least one thing to everyone but me! I said I wanted a punching bag yesterday lol it would beat breaking my hand once again! No? Of course I am going on Saturday, I just need you and God to be with me and guide me. Give me strength and protect me and my broken heart! As always I love you and miss you.
Love alway
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.13

Hi Jeffery! So I was thinking about you today, once again….I say that as if a day or even minute goes by that I don’t think about you. I don’t feel consumed by anger today. Just sad and lost. It is so hard to see the pain in mom and dads faces. Just by looking at them you can tell they are thinking about you. There is a sadness that glazes over their eyes. It is heart breaking Jeffery! I don’t know how to help them. I can’t even help myself! Whatever anyways….this is something I wrote. I don’t know if it’s for you or for me. It just is I guess. As you know I won the dummy award, it was doing that, that got me to write this so I can’t really complain about the pain. It was a nice but all to brief break from my emotional pain though. So from physical pain to emotion pain here it is.

Broken hand
Broken heart
Now I know not where to start

Once I walked protected
Now I walk alone
Imprisoned by tears and fears

David is gone
While Goliath stands on
Towering over me
Taking me
Breaking me
Right now he has his stake in me

I can hear David
Hear his voice
Telling me to stand
To fight
It’s what’s right

I cry
I can’t
I wont
Please don’t

My ears are plugged
Plugged with pain and hate
I am to weak to fight
I can’t bare your sling and stone
They are to mighty for my shaking hands

Broken hand
Broken heart
I know not where to start

Starting over
Turning over
David’s pain is finally over

So there it is. I don’t know where to go from here. Where do I start? Like really though? I just don’t know. I am sick and tired of crying and feeling this black hole of pain. It sucks! There is no better way of putting it, that is without using very colorful language. I listen to your voice in your songs and it just make me miss you more, and yet I can’t stop listening. It’s all I have in this physical world of you to hold onto. It makes me want to hear you call just to say you love me. I treasured those calls and texts! It seemed we were so connected. If I was having a bad day it was like you just knew. Those are the times you’d just send a “I love you” or “I miss you”, even when you had no idea how my day was going. Just sitting here writing about it makes me cry. When will the tears stop? The pain? I am over it! I feel like I don’t have the strength to do this. To deal with it. I keep praying for strength. Praying that God will take this pain from not only me but everyone. You have no idea the impact you made in this world! You are getting shout outs everywhere! I’d love to know what you think of dads tattoos! They are for you! He misses you so much Jeffery! Come to him and let him know you are ok! His heart is broken in two. He needs to know you are ok and with the Lord. Mama too!  We called the medical examiner to see if we could get any answers yet and still nothing! I don’t know……..I love you, I miss you. We all love you and we all miss you. You know they are dedicating an entire show to you? Pretty awesome huh? I am actually going! I may hide in the back out of fear……..but I will be there! OK I can’t stop crying again so I shall stop writing for now. I love you and miss you more than you could know!

Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery, Poetry

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.9 2015

It was suggested to me to start writing you letters. At first I thought it was a stupid idea, but today my heart was softened at the idea. That and I am mad at you today! I am mad that you are not here, mad that I have questions I know you’d have the answers to. Mad that because you took yourself from me you can’t answer these questions. Or any question I may have for you again. Ever. By the time we meet again, like you, I will be all knowing. By then I won’t need your answers! I need then now! I am also mad at your mental illness! I am mad that people keep talking like you were your mental illness. You were not! You were Jeffery. Jeffery who had a mental illness, but at the end of the day you were not your mental illness! I hate your mental illness! You know I don’t ever use that word, but I mean it to the fullest extent of the word, I hate it! I keep telling people (usually once I am mad and bawling) that you were not weak, that you couldn’t have killed yourself. I know it was the mental illness that took you from us, but for some reason I look at it as a being and see the two if you as separate beings. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. I guess in a way the mental illness did make you weak, but not in a way you could control. I am mad about that too! Control that one bites my butt!!! You did soooo good! The last seven months. I know Jeffery, they weren’t easy and you were in a lot of pain. Why now? Why Feb.26th? What happened that day? The days leading up to it? Why wouldn’t you come to me? Why if I was so important to you couldn’t you have called or texted me? Everyone has been coming to me and telling me how you talked about me, loved me. Mom and dad, the boys, everyone! WHY???? I don’t understand! You went out with the boys, you called dad, why not me? I know you didn’t like me seeing you when you were down, but from what I am hearing from dad and the boys you were happy, at peace even. Why Jeffery? I can’t stand any of this! You want to know the worst part? This anger does nothing but deepen my pain. Which inturn deepens my anger. This feels like an endless circle of pain and anger that I keep getting sucked into! When I think I am okay, it sneaks up on me again, like a thief in the night. I love you my dear brother. I miss you more than you could ever know. God bless you Jeffery.

Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 11, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery

 

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