So as some of you may know I had a hysterectomy in September of 2013. I had severe endometriosis, the hysterectomy was the best and healthiest option for me. I begged doctors for years for it but God seen it fit for me to have it then. I received healing and my life because of this surgery. I would never go back on the decision! At the same time there pops up moments of sadness, not due to regret so much. I am not really sure what they are, typically I just cry and feel confused! I remember the first time it happened after the surgery we were all hanging out talking about kids and I said if I ever have a kid… it was like a punch in the face! I will never bare a child. Never. I never wanted children, it is just that the choice was taken from me I guess. It has happened a few times since. I am okay with it because I received a gift from God that everyone prays for, healing! It happened again tonight. I was going to start reading ‘further still’ by Beth Moore again. I read it first about 9 years ago, I received it as a gift for my baptism. The second poem in it is called Lullaby, since the first time I read it I wanted to read it to my future child should God grant me with the desire to have a child. It is very beautiful! So I picked up the book and reached this poem and my eyes immediately filled with tears, just by reading the title. I had to put it down. I struggle to understand these tears. For once I am so sure of how I feel about something and out of nowhere I am crying and sad while rational. I don’t really know how to describe it correctly. I am eternally grateful for my healing but feel a whole. People say ‘oh well you can adopt’, while they are well meaning I find it frustrating, I don’t want children, didn’t want children all I wanted was the choice on the matter. I don’t even know why I am writing this honestly. Sorry for my pointless ramblings! Here is the poem I was talking about. Excuse my while I go cry now God bless you! Have a God filled day!
Hush, little baby, Daddy’s got a Word
No eye has seen, no ear has heard.
Dream sweet dreams but you can’t dream this
Plans your weaver weaves for bless.
Hush, little baby, don’t you cry
Daddy fixes all things by and by.
Cease your striving, rest your eyes
You’re my joy and you’re my prize.
Sleep, little baby, I’ll stay awake
If skies should fall and mountains quake.
You’ll be safe in Daddy’s arms
Wrapped in blankets, robbed from harms.
Hush, little baby, I will sing
While angels dance and ’round you ring.
If I should come before you wake
Your eyes will open to Daddy’s face.
So hush little baby, trust me now
Thrones and powers to me bow
I tell oceans what to do
I think Daddy can take car of you.