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I am sorry

I have been absent for some time now and just this past few days have I had any desire to put the pen to paper. Since losing Jeff I have lost my will and desire to write. It was a passion both he and I shared. He was my biggest cheerleader! Now, though I still have love and support around me I just can’t. When I do as you have seen it is quite depressing. I am trying, not hard enough I am sure. It’s as though I’ve put cotton balls of anger in my ears and I just cannot hear the Lord. I know this is my own doing but am unable or unwilling to take them out right now. I don’t know what I need or what I want even. I just known, as it was put to me recently, this anger is a black hole. It keeps sucking me in deeper and deeper into a very dark lonely place. I don’t even know what I am angry about honestly, or who I am angry with even. I am just mad. Mad at everything and nothing! I am not mad at God though, this I am pretty sure of. He doesn’t control the will of man, so I cannot blame Him for the choices that were made. I pray that he softens my heart and removes this anger from me. I know He won’t interfere with my free will, but I pray that through softening my heart I am able to let it go! I don’t know, I apologize. I figured I owed an apology for my recent absence. Please just pray for me and my broken heart. Hearts aren’t like bones. You can’t just put a cast on it and six weeks your mended. Sorry again. God bless and thank you for reading my senseless ramblings!

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Posted by on July 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Fellowship Friday!!!

Hello everyone! Happy Friday to all of you! This has been quite challenging for me. I have been very sad, angry and moody. Basically very emotional. It is getting easier. We have the benefit concert for Jeffery tomorrow. Please pray it goes very well and there is lots of money raised for mental health awareness. Also for strength and healing for the family and all of those effected by Jeffery’s passing.
Onto this weeks fellowship Friday! This beautiful story brought tears to my eyes! A 22yr oldcollege student summoned an Uber cab. It was a ride that would change both the student and the driver. The young man was speaking to the driver Mr.Broskey a 69 year real estate agent and Uber driver, while on the way to meet his friends. Mr.Broskey told him that he was working both jobs to save as much money as he could before he passed away to ensure his daughter and grandchildren, a part time waitress, could keep the home after he passed. She wouldn’t be able to on her own. He then informed the student that he was given 2-10 weeks to live as he has terminal cancer of the ears, nose and throat. His doctors told him to start looking for a hospice to spend his final days in. He refused to because of his concern for his daughter and grandchildren. The student took it upon himself to open Mr.Brosky a “Go fund me”account. Within 5 days they reached $100000!!! Praise the Lord! It was enough to pay the remaining $95000 of the mortgage! That was even after “God fund me” took their fee’s off. This story just warms my heart. It goes to show that everyone is able to make a difference if their hearts are in something!! Big or small. I would imagine Mr.Broskey would never have expected his fair would turn out the way it did! God bless all of you. Please pray the family and friends of both the student and Mr.Broskey. Have a safe, fun and God filled weekend!!!! You can find this story and many more here.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Dear Jeffery: April.13

Hi Jeffery! So I was thinking about you today, once again….I say that as if a day or even minute goes by that I don’t think about you. I don’t feel consumed by anger today. Just sad and lost. It is so hard to see the pain in mom and dads faces. Just by looking at them you can tell they are thinking about you. There is a sadness that glazes over their eyes. It is heart breaking Jeffery! I don’t know how to help them. I can’t even help myself! Whatever anyways….this is something I wrote. I don’t know if it’s for you or for me. It just is I guess. As you know I won the dummy award, it was doing that, that got me to write this so I can’t really complain about the pain. It was a nice but all to brief break from my emotional pain though. So from physical pain to emotion pain here it is.

Broken hand
Broken heart
Now I know not where to start

Once I walked protected
Now I walk alone
Imprisoned by tears and fears

David is gone
While Goliath stands on
Towering over me
Taking me
Breaking me
Right now he has his stake in me

I can hear David
Hear his voice
Telling me to stand
To fight
It’s what’s right

I cry
I can’t
I wont
Please don’t

My ears are plugged
Plugged with pain and hate
I am to weak to fight
I can’t bare your sling and stone
They are to mighty for my shaking hands

Broken hand
Broken heart
I know not where to start

Starting over
Turning over
David’s pain is finally over

So there it is. I don’t know where to go from here. Where do I start? Like really though? I just don’t know. I am sick and tired of crying and feeling this black hole of pain. It sucks! There is no better way of putting it, that is without using very colorful language. I listen to your voice in your songs and it just make me miss you more, and yet I can’t stop listening. It’s all I have in this physical world of you to hold onto. It makes me want to hear you call just to say you love me. I treasured those calls and texts! It seemed we were so connected. If I was having a bad day it was like you just knew. Those are the times you’d just send a “I love you” or “I miss you”, even when you had no idea how my day was going. Just sitting here writing about it makes me cry. When will the tears stop? The pain? I am over it! I feel like I don’t have the strength to do this. To deal with it. I keep praying for strength. Praying that God will take this pain from not only me but everyone. You have no idea the impact you made in this world! You are getting shout outs everywhere! I’d love to know what you think of dads tattoos! They are for you! He misses you so much Jeffery! Come to him and let him know you are ok! His heart is broken in two. He needs to know you are ok and with the Lord. Mama too!  We called the medical examiner to see if we could get any answers yet and still nothing! I don’t know……..I love you, I miss you. We all love you and we all miss you. You know they are dedicating an entire show to you? Pretty awesome huh? I am actually going! I may hide in the back out of fear……..but I will be there! OK I can’t stop crying again so I shall stop writing for now. I love you and miss you more than you could know!

Love always
Bilbo

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2015 in Letters to Jeffery, Poetry

 

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Fellowship Friday

I really wasn’t sure if I was going to post this week. I wouldn’t want to relive this week so long as I live. But, if my brother were still with us he wouldn’t put up with me sitting around feeling sorry for myself. He was always so encouraging and well pushy! He knew the passion I felt for my writing and pushed me when I was being lazy or when I wanted to quit. So this week’s fellowship friday is about appreciation, love, and encouragement. Appreciate the people the Lord as blessed you with, you never know what tomorrow will bring. Love them as the Lord loves you. Lastly encourage one another, it’s so beautiful the way a person can blossom with the right amount of encouragement. Seeing the pain this great loss has left my parents with adds to my own pain. A parent should never have to experience the death of a child. Fortunately the last thing we can all remember saying is “I love you”. So, if you have a child, grab your phone or go into their room and just say, “I love you”. Please! You won’t regret it! Tomorrow we say our final goodbye to a beautiful bright soul. Please pray for strength for the family and everyone who comes out to pay their respects. God bless all of you have a safe and fun weekend.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Fellowship Friday……..errrr Saturday?

Hello everyone! I am a day late and I apologize. Chalk it upto forgetfulness, life and maybe stir in a little pinch of lazyness. 😆 I pray you all had a wonderfully God filled week! This week’s fellowship is all of you! The unity and love we have for one another is amazing! I am sure I have said this before, but it is constantly brought to my attention. This week I posted this ” Hi I am asking for prayers for Gorbachoff and spiff (younger brother and sister in law) they are facing some trials right now and need some prayer warriors on their side! God bless you and thank you!” And the response was great! None of us know each other out side of the words and snippets we choose to share on here. Yet as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ you came and offered your prayers. I am a strong believer in the power of prayer and never have any of you guys failed to come through as prayer warriors! So thank you so so very much!! Due to your prayers they overcame their trial!! Praise The Lord! I pray you all have a safe God filled weekend! God bless you all!

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2015 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Fellowship Friday!

Happy Halloween everyone! I have been noticeably absent from here lately and I apologize. We have been waiting for something huge for a very long time now and are just waiting on the call, I can’t say just yet what it is, God willing I will soon! My mind has been so focused on it that I have neglected what He has gifted me to do. I haven’t even written for myself. When I was looking for an article for today’s post I came across this. My heart sank, my ungrateful heart hurt. I have so many blessings in my life and I am so self focused on one thing that is yet to happen. Please excuse the writers minor spelling and grammar errors, it’s really the message that matters. God bless all of you have a safe, fun and God filled weekend and Halloween!

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Posted by on October 31, 2014 in Fellowship Friday

 

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Prayer request

Hey all! I hope your week has been God filled! I am asking for prayers again for my brother.
Lord I ask that you be with him. Guide him, give him strength, grant him all that you are. Be with him in all that he does. Let him see the bright future You have planned for him. Let him see all that You are! I pray this in Jesus name Amen, Amen.
Thank you God bless all of you and your families!

 
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Posted by on August 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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